January 29, 2017 I been having an introspective weekend. I have been thinking about this blog, and some times I wonder if I have it all wrong. I been doing a lot of reading of books about men who have Come Out Late in life. I know now, that Coming Out Late is a relative situation. Maybe what Coming Out Late really means is that you didn’t adopt or recognize your sexuality when you were in your teenager years. I am not really sure I buy that concept, maybe it’s the concept that Hollywood peddles. I believe we all come into ourselves and the meaning of our existence at different times in our lives. I must be honest here, when it comes to writing this blog, when I read other’s experiences, I feel as if maybe I have less than encouraging. I don’t mean to be. Many of my readings all allude to the idea that you need “Authenticity.” I am not doubting that idea, I just sometimes don’t really know what it truly means? Being “Authentic” isn’t a gay only thing. Being true to yourself is an everybody thing. I have always thought that most of our lives are very similar. Most people work throughout the week in cities and in the small little towns across our nation. We clean house, pay bills, go the grocery store, maybe try to get a little exercise done. When is the authenticity to show itself? When I started all of this writing and reading about the Coming Out Late process, I was looking for answers. A big question was, “How could I have gone so long without really knowing I am gay?” I cannot but help but think there are different degrees of gayness. No, I will not place a rank on the different levels, because one level isn’t any better or worse than another. I just don’t think there is one type of way to being gay. We are complex individuals, the outer influences on our lives affect us all differently, and in different ways. If I had to be really honest in terms of authenticity, my moment came when my wife found an email that I wrote to Dr. Ashden. It was just about four years ago, she asked me, “Are you in love with this person?” Believe me, I wanted to say “No” it is all but a stupid mistake, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be in love with a man. I did not want my world to change. I thought that this feeling for Dr. Ashden would subside. I guess that was my true “Authentic Moment”, finally acknowledging the truth, however uncomfortable as it was. When I moved to San Antonio many years ago, I joined the Unitarian Universalism church, they had a Joseph Campbell Group. I have read his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces and The Power of Myth and I was immediately hooked. I was also a member of the Noetic Sciences, and his writings were frequently published within the journal. When all of this happened to me, I couldn’t help but think of one of my favorite quotes of his, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” I never thought those words would come to apply to me, but they did. I wish I was a writer or blogger or whatever, to be a person who encourages you to go get your happy gay life, that once you get your happy gay life, you are going to be finally authentic. Your life is going to be great. I read these things happening to others. I really want to be that person, but I find myself writing from a position that I am just an ordinary guy, living a rather ordinary life. I have come a long way in four years. If there is a takeaway from this blog, it’s that to be the person you truly are is a process for most of us. A process that takes time. I believe that the term “Authenticity” has a meaning similar to “Enlightenment.” Through my experience, yes, I had a moment, but much of my life has remained the same. Work, housekeeping, taking care of the animals, etc. It’s fair to say, the idea of now I am authentic doesn’t really occur to me when I am shoveling up dog crap out of the backyard. I do realize things have changed. I realize now that why some family and friends are gone from my life, I have the ability to meet new people. No, they don’t have to be gay people or straight people, just people. I have joined organizations to meet new people. I am leaving the house much more, and more and more I am shutting the door to an unpleasant past. My experience was a struggle. How could it not be, I was married 24 years. I lost something and someone very dear to me. I found myself in a place I thought I would never be. It’s hard to Come Out, but there is an added dimension of difficulty when you been married to the opposite sex. So, if I am being authentic, well it doesn’t really occur to me. I don’t feel enlighten by any stretch of the imagination. I work at trying to be enlighten, but I continue to have more questions than answers. I am still searching. I will leave you with this, as time has gone by, I find myself more and more grateful for the people in my life. For the people who stayed by me in my darkest moments, and that includes my ex-wife. She has been there for me. Dr. Ashden has been there for me. If you are going through this process, I hope you to have people that are there for you, and more importantly however you are feeling, that you acknowledge the people who are there for you. Being grateful is a gift you give others and yourself. January 22nd, 2017 Sometimes I catch myself reflecting upon the idea of “Where am I now?” I especially find myself asking this question when I take a moment to read my past journaling. I really never journaled before until I got divorced and outed all at the same time. I guess, I saw a need to tell someone what I was feeling, even if that someone was myself. Gosh, I look back at the beginning of this entire situation, and I see I have come along way. At my lowest point, I remember laying on the hardwood floor of the home I use to share with my ex-wife, and I was unable to move, I laid on the floor for two hours just feeling crippled. It was a dark moment. The good thing about reflecting, even on dark moments in the past, I see that I survived. I am not going to lie, there were times that I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore. My family said that everything was alright, but their actions spoke more than words. My friends quit calling or they quit answering my calls. What kept me going? Well, I had to keep care of the three cats and two dogs that my ex-wife and I accumulated over the years of our marriage. I thought to myself, “They are the innocent ones, if anything I will live for them.” My obligation to them, kept me alive and going. Well, all of that was about four years ago, I must admit, I let myself suffer more than I should. I had a lot of guilt and shame, and maybe not without good reason. I am not afraid to own up to my mistakes. I am a very spiritual type person, and I hold on to a very liberal idea of Christ. A reading that I read once reminded me that “God’s forgiveness and love is much bigger and stronger than my sins.” I asked for forgiveness, and I truly met it, so now it’s time to move on. I did move on, and to see where I moved on I read in Bret K. Johnson’s book, Coming Out Every Day about the six stages of the Coming Out process per Vivienne Cass:
In my case, I didn’t Come Out, I was Thrown Out. I have to give some credit here and deep respect to Dr. Ashden. He didn’t run, in fact he gave a much-needed helping hand when there were no other hands to help me. By staying with me, he in effect Outed Himself. I was and am lucky, even though I take it for granted some times. There are times when I find and feel like I am at Stage 6. However, I get jolted back to a different stage, when I see that people begin to look at Dr. Ashden and I differently, and when they realize we are partners. This feeling usually just last for a few seconds. I been with Dr. Ashden for four years now. Probably, a lot of the romance of our relationship is gone, but not the love. According to M. Scott Peck, “Romantic love isn’t love.” He stated that only when romantic love ends, can real love begin. Peck defined love as “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another spiritual growth.” He wrote a whole book on this concept, The Road Less Traveled. I confess, in my mind all of this is related. You see, when I realized that Dr. Ashden and I were not one, and as time passed on we really were separate individuals…well, my outlook changed. An example of this situation would be when Dr. Ashden was going to quit going to church, he had lost his faith. Through the years together I knew how important his faith was to him, so I quit going to my own church, and I attended church with him. By doing this simple act I realized that love is more about what type of sex you’re having, what love is, is getting out of yourself to help another. When I was in the deep darkness of self, I couldn’t help myself much less help another. I grew, and I am still growing even at 52. Where am I now? I guess you could say that I am stronger than I ever been. The years filled with confusion, hurt, and anger made me a better person, not less of a person. They made me more empathetic, more sympathetic. By surviving my difficult situation, I became stronger. Who do I need to be? Just myself, a person dedicated
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Happy New Year! I cannot really say that I am a person who puts a whole lot of importance to a marker, a new year, however, this year seems to be a little different. I was walking my dogs in Brackenridge Park this afternoon, since I normally walk my dogs in the early morning, there was a dramatic and stark difference to the scenery in the park in the late afternoon. The lowering western sun reflected off the dull barren winter trees, and their slender crooked bodies stretched upwards towards the sky. The change was dramatic from their early morning solitude, and glancing upon these new vistas within a familiar setting got me thinking.
I began to think that this newness within the familiar was like my current life. I probably have been guilty as most in being caught up in a routinized life, routinized thinking. I made my cries and moans along my path from a heterosexual life for lack of a better description, to a gay life? A gay life, what does that mean? I write these words, and I think, in so many ways my life, the person who I have always been, is still very much a part of me. I really don’t feel very different, but that is only partially true. There is a lot that is different. This Christmas season has past. Unlike my previous heterosexual life, I did do many different things that were completely different from my past life. One evening I attended an older gay man’s group at a Christmas party, I had a dinner for four and shared the evening with a gay couple, I went to a few Christmas parties with Dr. Ashden, and I was unconsciously unaware that we were seen as a couple, I mean a gay couple. Well, all these events were something totally unlike I experienced as a heterosexual male husband. It’s this couple thing that has me bothered. I do not live with Dr. Ashden, so the ideal that we are a couple or partnered seems so strange to me. I say that, but then I think about a Facebook post of a friend. In a photo with my siblings, Dr. Ashden was with me. Since it was a friend’s Facebook post, a friend of the friend who post it was, asked, “Who were these people?” Everything she posted was pretty straight forward, however, when it came to Dr. Ashden and me, she explained Dr. Ashden as my “partner.” She met nothing by it, yet I was bothered. I spoke with my sister and told her, “This seems like an untrue description.” My sister said, “Well he is your partner!” Without a doubt, everyone in the photo and at the party would probably agree Dr. Ashden is my partner. Funny, I just really didn’t see it that way. Maybe I don’t see it that way because I have begun to hang around more gay men, these men were living together, and my idea of partnership is different. In the older gay man’s organization, many of these men were married before and had children. Now, these men live together as a couple, I would say, as partners. However, this is not my relationship with Dr. Ashden, and to be completely truthful, I doubt this type of relationship will ever occur between us. I am not even too sure, that I would want that type of relationship. I would be dishonest to say, that I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a man live in my house. To be sure, there are times, when I don’t want to be alone, but I guess I have come more accustomed to living alone. No, there is nothing crazy going on here at my house other than taking care of three cats and two dogs. When my ex-wife walked out, she just walked out, leaving all us behind. Well, I do believe that life is better shared. And, the only times I am truly bothered by the loneliness of living alone is when Dr. Ashden and I come home from a trip. Usually when we travel, we rent a home and I have my own bedroom and bathroom. Yet, it is during these vacations that we really seem more like a couple. Daily a huge magnitude of San Antonio restaurants consists of Dr. Ashden and my living rooms since we eat lunch and dinner out almost every meal. And, we do live very close to one another, but to live with him? So, let me go back to the beginning thinking about the park, and its complete newness by the changing sunlight. I wonder if maybe I am wanting more and more something different in the very familiar? I don’t want to be alone, but it seems to be the most natural form of existence to me. To actually share a home with someone again, well, conceptually it sounds appealing, but in actuality I am not so sure? I just don’t know how all that works. I would love to hear a comment or two from anyone who reads this blog. Again, I am just here learning a new way of life, and I try to share what I can to help others. Other men and women who come into their sexuality late in life. On a lighter note, Happy New Year’s! I ask you who are struggling “If not now, then when?” Create a great new year ahead! Ah, so where am I now? Well, it’s been a while since I last wrote some words in this blog. If you have ever read my blog, well, then you know that I like to start that I write these posts for the person out there that has “Come Out Late.” I write this blog for myself, to take a step back and view my journey. I hope that in some small way that I can help a person who is beginning and evolving from a heterosexual life into a gay life.
I went to dinner with Dr. Ashden and another gay couple the other night. Somewhere along Dr. Ashden’s life he met this couple, the more and more we hang around this couple little tidbits of information come out, and I am getting a better picture of Dr. Ashden’s past life. Of course, I never thought I was the first man that he had a gay sexual experience with. I am the first man that he had a long relationship with, a relationship that started hidden, and just with time blossomed to where we find ourselves "out" to all our other family members. Well, at dinner I spoke of going to my Meetup Group, “Coming Out Late.” This subject didn’t seem to me to be anything controversial, but it was. You see the other couple have been or have lived a gay life throughout their whole lives. They did not come into a gay life from the avenue of living in a heterosexual marriage. The reaction from one of the other people was surprising to me. He said, “Why do you need to go to a Coming Out group, and what does that even mean really?” Man, I could tell you I felt as if I was on another planet from this guy. As he continued to speak, his demeanor was more of a put down towards me. I admit, I was taken back, but I told him that I found the group particularly helpful. I told him that contrary to your experience, there are those people out there, such as myself, who struggled or even just have a hard time accepting their sexuality. By meeting in a group and talking about our issues, well I grow, and hopefully that everyone in the group is assisted in their personal growth by sharing our experiences with one another. He said some comments that were a little insulting, but I really did not care what he thought. Hey, there is some growth right there, the old me would have been hurt and probably would have "people pleased" to be more accepted with this couple. Whatever he thought didn’t matter to me. Yes, we came into our sexuality from different perspectives, however, my experience isn’t any less valid than his experience. As I listened to his put downs, such as I don’t know what it was like being gay when it wasn’t cool or more accepted. I thought to myself of a past experience with this couple. Dr. Ashden had a party at his country house, and most of the people attending lived in the same neighborhood or were in the same profession as him. I remember this couple telling Dr. Ashden, “Please don’t tell anyone at the party that we are a couple", because they feared disapproval from the group. OK, I get it, but now I find myself at a table with them, and I must listen to put downs and to "I don’t know what it was to be gay earlier". I am thinking to myself, “Isn’t being authentic and part of whom you are is not being afraid to live in fear of what others think of you?” And, I thought, “Maybe you have some evolving of your own to do?” At least by reading, going to therapy, and attending the Coming Out Late Group, I am working on being the person I want to be. I guess one of the biggest difficulties I had at the beginning of this whole process, is that I thought I had to be some stereotype of the gay lifestyle. I see now, that being gay or being heterosexual isn’t entirely all different. I mean, no matter who you are, what sexuality you are, you should be true to yourself. And, being true to yourself is being truthful to you to others in all aspects of your life. Through meeting others, I see that gay life is just as diverse as life itself. Coming to this conclusion during this process wasn’t easy. I have experienced a lot of burning by others along this road. Since this is Christmas time, I will finish this post with a thought. I have been attending a Christian church with Dr. Ashden because I believe that assisting in one’s own and another's spiritual growth, is at the heart of love. In this process, I come to know Christ very differently. I use to think that Christ was more like a magician, and unbelievable. Hearing the Gospels of Christ, I come to see that a majority of his life was filled with struggle. It was filled with pain and hardship, and ultimately, he was killed for trying to bring a message to world filled with love. Being true to yourself, and being who you really are is a similar process. Some people will hate you, some people will love you, but at the heart of it all, once you begin to accept yourself, you will begin to love you, and that’s a big step in the Coming Out Late process. I stayed home today, and I picked up a book, Farther & Wilder: The Lost Weekends and Literary Dreams of Charles Jackson. Yes, most people may come across Jackson as the author of Lost Weekend. The 12 Step Movement would embrace the book and film of the same name, but many people do not know anything about the author or his life.
In Lost Weekend, the main character, Don Birnam would go on a five-day binge fest. I am going to admit right here and now, I did not read the book, but I have seen the movie. Only by reading Jackson’s biography do I now know that the main character had a hidden gay sexuality in the book. Why am I not surprised that the film hides this fact? Jackson’s greatest success found him hiding facts. Everyone assumed that Jackson was Birnam, but he insisted he was not, after all Jackson was married with two children. However, it is the book after Lost Weekend, that is relatively unknown. The book, Fall of Valor, deals with a 40ish married college professor and his love for a younger man. Remember, this is the 1940s. Funny, the film industry embraces alcoholism, but it shunned a married man with homosexual tendencies, as if alcoholism is more acceptable than homosexuality. Again, the author denied this had little to do with him. As the years proceeded, Jackson will celebrate his success with the mansion in the suburbs, the high society friends of Manhattan, and two children. Hey, it’s the American Dream! Unfortunately, time waits for no one, and it’s always there. Time will outlast any human. All the denial in the world will never hide the fact that Jackson unlike myself was liar. Jackson’s homosexuality will pop up its head in the end. You see, the bourgeois suburb is no place for a homosexual man, especially in the 1940s. Jackson would leave his life, and of all things pick up with a much younger foreign factory worker. Jackson probably thought he was of a higher social class, the younger man would love him. In the end, Jackson would leave the 12 step movement to engage in pills and alcohol. The younger man would care for him, and after Jackson died, his family thought the younger man would want part of the estate. He would only ask for a small bracelet, proving the point class has nothing to do with money. This book is a good read, and you can read it in front of people and no one will think you are reading about hidden homosexuality. How could I not internalize it? Man, I get it. even now, who wants to be homosexual and alone? Homosexual, alone, and older? I guess the book proved something about me, I was never going to out run the Truth. By trying to, I was unfair to my wife. I really thought sexuality didn’t matter. I loved and still do love that woman, but you cannot out run Truth. No, this isn’t a pity pot rant. It more the realization that to be really, really, honest takes guts. How many people fool themselves? They never step up to their fears. I am one of the lucky ones, I did, and I am one of the lucky ones, there are many out there who take the cowardly way out. Jackson didn’t. He embraced his sexuality in the end. He was married to his wife his whole life, but did not live with her. She loved him until the end. Movies aren’t real. Again, I write not for myself, but for the person out there who struggles. I want you to know that life isn’t for sissies. But to be who you are! Wow, how many people can really say that? I can, and I am becoming so much more aware of my spiritual growth through my acceptance of Truth. I know that I am one of the lucky ones. How could everything be the same? Recently, I was at Dr. Ashden’s home and a moment of passion occurred. Let’s just say, adults were being adults. Well, immediately afterwards Dr. Ashden began to worry about one of his adult children stopping at the house. It was hinted to quickly dress, but as I dressed I don’t know a flash of craziness hit my body. I dressed and ran out of the house.
A day has passed, and I am trying to analyze the situation. Dr. Ashden is depressed and confused, guess what, I am also depressed and complexed. What was it that made me run out the house? I have been asking myself that question all day, and I am thinking I am getting closer and closer to an answer. You see, after almost four years of being with Dr. Ashden I see that I have changed. In the early days of our romance the above situation was very common. Maybe even then, it led to a little excitement, but so much has changed over the years. Four years ago I was married. I had a good job. I had a home I loved, a home that meant something to me. My mother was still alive. My oldest friend who I believed struggled with sexual issues was alive. Yes, I was living an American middle class dream. However, today all the things that I had living and non-living are mostly gone. At the heart of the matter, I was “Thrown Out” to my little perfect world to be a gay man. I am not really quite sure how to tell everyone what that truly means as a man who lived a heterosexual life of 47 years. Probably it’s akin to being white and then black. Inside you see yourself as the same “Me”, but you cannot be truly aware of how others see you differently. How does this relate to Dr. Ashden? Well, it’s kind of the same problem. He sees himself as the heterosexual widower. His life has remained fairly constant over the last four years. Things still need to be hidden. Everybody knows, but nobody talks openly about “it”, the gay thing. You see, I just wasn’t given that luxury. I was thrown out. I can think of numerous situations where my new sexuality was a problem for people. Something I haven’t experienced as a heterosexual male. I used to be oblivious to such matters, but after four years you experience things. I am still reminded of this issue when I hear someone say, “Why would I choose to be gay?” Exactly, being gay in a heterosexual world is still a challenge. Wow, four years is a long time. All of the pain and suffering that I have experienced has made me so much stronger, not weaker. The feeling of being asked to get dressed quickly after sex, seems cheap, especially when it is with someone you love. So from self-loathing to a knowing feeling of “I am worth more than that” is a good thing, right? Dr. Ashden and I remain detached from one another. I am not quite sure, but something really big happened to me. I guess you could say, “I took a chance.” A chance that maybe by doing something different, things would get better. My chance? I went to my first Meet Up Group in Austin, Texas. It was a group formed for Coming Out Late. I haven’t really seen one here in San Antonio, but there is something close for Gay Fathers. I am not a father.
Funny, I never even got nervous about joining via the Web. I was surprised that only 6 members out of 120 stated they were going. They met on a Sunday afternoon, and I thought I could manage that schedule. I never got nervous, until I got closer and closer to the coffee shop. Ideas rushed my mind. I thought “What are these guys going to be like? Am I going to say anything? Maybe I should just sit and listen?” However, it’s a Meet Up with 6 people scheduled for two hours, I am going to have to speak. Since this is a blog and not a book, I going to have to mention the highlights and maybe not so much highlights. Since the meeting is in Austin, I wasn’t surprised to find that the attendees were all college educated professionals. The age range was mostly 50ish, with one outlier being younger in his 30’s and another person pushing 70. While there were a multitude of conversations, I found that I was struck how freely and open people spoke of sexuality and the places they experience it. There were two people who were married, and they have told their wives that they are bi-sexual. In fact, I was the only person to actually confirm, I was gay. All the other men said they were “Bi”, except the host who mentioned he probably leaned gay. I was also surprised at how these people meet up for sex. Movie Houses? Really? I thought that was like something in the 1970’s? Of course, they spoke of apps made for “cruising”. I am not making a judgment here, but I think I shattered the house when I said, “I am in love with a man, there is a big difference between quick sex and love.” I am surprised that they did not all break out in laughter after I said it. Their faces were shocked. I am thinking, “You aren’t suppose to say something like this?” They all confirmed it, when everyone acknowledged they haven’t been IN love with a man. I am probably going to come back to this subject, but what surprised me most is how different I felt and I am feeling by attending this Meet Up. I am truly grateful for all of these men sharing their stories. Most have been married, most had children, and they all had a sense of depth to them. But, in discussing their sexuality, it occurred to me what a huge mystery it all was and is. There is no correct script here. I guess by going, I saw and met people who were just like me in some sort of way. Knowing you are not alone, well, it’s liberating. In the past, I felt as if I was the only person in the world who has undergone this situation. While I never like to see people struggle, I acknowledge that I still struggle but not like I did before. I also see that I have grown over the years, and I find that happily difficult to believe. The pain seems to have been lifted, and I am getting up again, better and stronger. This Meet Up meets only once a month. I am still amazed how just one Meet Up was better than two years of therapy. I am planning on attending next month. I also got the idea that maybe I would start my own Meet Up. If one meeting helped me, I am thinking by making my own Meet Up, maybe I can help just one person? If I can, then it will all be worth my effort. Time goes by. I keep reminding myself that I write this blog to help others. To help others by sharing my experiences. I guess my experiences could be separated into different realms of life. You have the love life, the work life, the family life, the spiritual life, well, maybe this could go on and on, but the point here is stating the obvious, that my life and your life are filled with complexity. I am always reminded of this when I hear someone make a flippant comment about a person. You just never know what one person is or has been through.
I guess since I last wrote, I have had some incredible situations occurred. One, well, I finally moved into the home I had been renovating. Maybe I shouldn’t say, “Had.” I am still having to work on the home, since my first contractor is now missing. Also, missing is a considerable sum of my money. My contractor, Eddie, wasn’t a particularly bad guy, he was tending to his elderly mother. I chose to believe him on this part of his life, but it could be completely bogus. However, I don’t think that Eddie could have kept up the charade for as long as he did. He just wasn’t that gifted of a liar, but he isn’t without his merit in dishonor. However, I understand the difficulties of caring for an elderly dying parent. Some people just don't hold up. So, today I have another contractor coming in today to finish the work. I kept waiting for Eddie to return my calls, but it took me a couple of weeks to know that Eddie is gone. To be honest, I think Eddie is in prison. Anyway, if you haven’t experience the joys of home remodeling, well, again I will say, “It isn’t like a 30-minute show on HGTV.” And since I took a vow of honesty, I can assure you there were plenty of nights where I sat on a fold out chair, listening to some old music, and drinking my fair share of wine in an unfinished house wondering when will this experience be over and how much more money is it going to take? Well, I moved a little early because in the month of May, I found out that I was to be laid off at the end of June. The idea of paying for two homes with one being completely remodeled and no pay check, well, again I found myself drinking a little too much wine at night. I have never not worked. I started working at age 15. To be 52 and have no job, well, I will be honest here, I am not as scared and unhappy as I should be. If anyone knows my story, the last three to four years have been hell. To take a moment to just “stop” and evaluate and project a new course into the future has been a good thing. I think I am going to get another job again. Until then I am a licensed Real Estate Broker, so I have something to fall back upon, and as luck would have it, I have people asking me to list property. I also do Virtual Tours for real estate. I enjoy doing them, it’s one of the few jobs you can do with creativity that has a beginning and an end as oppose to management that just keep continually going on and on. In my unemployment, I been thinking about the idea, “A beginning and an end”. And funny, I began to quit drinking wine. Cannot even imagine, but the end here is that wine reminds me of the time I was hurting from my divorce. Reminds me of the time as about trying to accept my homosexuality. It reminds me of the loneliness. It reminds me of the time how most of my friends and family left me. I don’t need wine anymore; I have come to a state of true acceptance. So, what am I trying to say here? I guess, as in most situations in life, that time truly heals everything. Believe me, at the time I didn’t believe that things would ever change. I believed I was sent to Hell. But, here is the secret, the door to Hell is wide open. I walked into Hell, but I have picked myself back up, and I have walked right back out. Not only have I walked out of Hell, but I am walking just a little bit taller. I have experienced a part of life that I never knew. I have seen parts of human nature, well, maybe I didn’t want to know. Most importantly, I come to know that happiness isn’t the avoidance of unhappiness. Sitting down and getting to ready to write something for a blog post, I always have the same thought, “You wanted to be a writer? Well, writers write, artists paint, and runners run.” I haven’t written anything for my blog recently, though I have been writing. Currently, I am in a tremendous flux in my life. What started as a simple house remodel, well, it has turned into contracting nightmare hell. There is just no other way to put it. I have been watching a lot of Property Brothers on HGTV; my experience is not like Property Brothers. Let’s just say I am on my 5th month of renovation. The fireplace, which I think is working, one of the few working items in the house, is ripe for burning money.
I gave a 30-day notice to my landlord, and I have to be moved out by next week. Well, I am in the process of moving, unfortunately the home I am moving into does not have one complete bathroom, and the kitchen while aesthetically done, does not have running water or a working stove. Hey, the new refrigerator is working, and there is plenty of cold beer and wine in it at all times! And this past Friday? Well, I got an unexpected email from my Pharma Company job, to be on a call in the late afternoon. Surprise, Surprise, you are now a part of the newly unemployed! You can bet I was hanging out by the new refrigerator all weekend. Being in the new house was perfect for drinking cold beer, because the air conditioning is now not working! So, I know that life is difficult. I know that problem solving is required throughout all of my life, but it doesn’t mean you cannot wish for just a little of the easy life! My brain is about to explode from problem solving, and I am proud to express that I did not take the problem-solving step of murdering my contractor who ran off with $10,000 of my money for a deck that was started and not completed! On March 1st, I got off of all of my medications. Yeah, the last three years of my life have been hell, years filled with a lot of lost, but something happened somewhere in my life recently where I decided to get back on track. Going off anti-depressants was a big step. I cannot say it’s been an easy ride. Problems I have encountered include erratic sleep patterns and some big mood swings. Poor Dr. Ashden has had to witness some of these swings. Fortunately, they have been pretty limited, and Dr. Ashden and I do not live together! The plus side of life without medication is I am feeling better. I am no longer feeling like a TV extra on the Walking Dead. My thought process has become clearer. I have more energy. My motivation has dramatically increased. I live a pretty routinized life pattern, and I stick to it, so it made getting off medication easier. My ex-wife told me just the other day, “You sound great!” Just a note here, I am not a doctor, and I would not encourage anyone to go off medication without talking to your doctor. Things do get better, and a lot of the way things get better is having faith. The problems I am going through, well, they are solvable. As for getting a new job, well, I hated my Pharma job; the industry has changed so much in the last five years. I have a Texas Real Estate Broker’s license and I have a good working knowledge in constructing Real Estate Virtual Tours, I learned these skills in case I ever lost my job, so, it’s time to get busy! I think to myself, “Yeah life is difficult, but the secret to being a better person is to not make your difficult life difficult for other people.” Before getting out of bed every morning, I thank God, and then I give thanks for 10 things in my life. I come to believe just having a little faith and a little or a lot of courage you can do almost anything. Off to the kitchen I go, boxes to be packed and to be moved into a new unfinished kitchen with cold beer! Life is Difficult
I have to be honest, once I gave into the idea that I was gay, I thought that life would be easier. It’s everything you always read about and it comes in slogans such as “The truth will set you free!” But, what if all those feel good slogans, were just that, feel good slogans. I have been battling Manic Depression for about 13 years now. I have gone to countless doctors and therapy in hope of a cure, but there really is no cure. After three years of being on Anti-Depressants, two months ago I decided to quit taking my medicine. Isn’t it time to deal with life on life’s terms? Going off my medicine has been an emotional roller coaster ride, but overall I have been pretty steady. I can tell you that I feel completely different now, different in a good way. I can see that I became much more intellectually capable, more energetic, and upbeat, but I would be lying to you if I failed to mentioned that I had periods of mania of being real high (Try staying up for two days straight) and real low. In the last two months, I see myself, relying much more on a spiritual cure. Maybe here is where one of those feel good slogans is applicable, “Let go, and let God.” Yes, I thought things would get easier, but they didn’t. As oppose to being married and sharing a life with someone, I am now middle-aged and living alone. My old set of friends no longer call me, as with how things go in a divorce, they rallied to “her side.” I am living on a single family income as oppose to a dual spouse income, well, this list could go on and on, but why there are feel good slogans all around us, I did read many years ago some of the best advice I have ever been given, and I keep coming back to it time after time. It comes from M. Scott Peck’s book, The Road Less Traveled: “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning because I have done my share. Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them? Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing. With only some discipline we can only solve some problems. With total discipline we can solve all problems. What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one. Problems, depending upon their nature, evoke in us frustration or grief or sadness or loneliness or guilt or regret or anger or fear or anxiety or anguish or despair. These are uncomfortable feelings, often very uncomfortable, often as painful as any kind of physical pain. Indeed, it is because of the pain that events or conflicts engender in us all that we call them problems. And, since life poses an endless series of problems, life is always difficult and is full of pain as well as joy. Yet it is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we can grow mentally and spiritually. When we desire to encourage the growth of the human spirit, we challenge and encourage the human capacity to solve problems, just as in school we deliberately set problems for our children to solve. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Those things that hurt, instruct.” It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually welcome the pain of problems. Most of us are not so wise. Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid problems. We procrastinate, hoping that they will go away. We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist. We even take drugs to assist us in ignoring them, so that by deadening ourselves to the pain we can forget problems that cause the pain. We attempt to skirt around problems depending upon their nature, rather than meet them head on. We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them.” I needed my little Peck talk this morning, because now, I have to deal with a home contractor who ran off with my $10,000. I will most assuredly will be suffering through this problem today. Yesterday, I was pretty angry, but today, I see that I am going to work my way through this problem, and that feels good, and life will become a little less difficult. Sometimes I wonder? Do I look gay? I know this idea really shouldn’t be something that you ponder about, but there are times it enters your mind. I really never really thought about it until a couple of chance encounters that occurred recently.
One, I recently went to Ft. Worth with my partner, Dr. Ashden. Dr. Ashden had a friend coming into town, as well as, his friend’s brother and partner. We live in San Antonio, and the drive to Ft. Worth is about four hours away. Dr. Ashden is 25 years older than I am. So, he needed help with the drive. So, I took off some time from work and made the journey northward. Now the question “Do I look gay?” was the furthest from my mind. Dr. Ashden’s friend made hotel reservations for us at an upscale Ft. Worth hotel, the Worthington. A nice hotel right in the middle of a beautiful and active downtown. Well, here we go with the question at hand. We arrived at the hotel, and we got to the check-in area. I should probably preface this situation with the idea of how Dr. Ashden and I look. I am six feet tall, broad shoulder, salt and pepper hair, and I prefer to dress in a more “Preppy” style. Dr. Ashden is 6’4” and he dresses in a way he prefers to call “Flamboyant.” I would refer to his style as Southwest artistic, yet he does wear some very expensive Starcke red glasses. At check-in we are greeted by a very young and handsome tall man. I provided my credit card for the services, and then he asked the question, “Do the both of you need a King bed or double beds?” Why I never anticipated the question before hand was beyond me. You see, Dr. Ashden and I live in separate homes. So, the question really amplified the idea “Do I look gay to you?” I felt a little awkward, Dr. Ashden was right at my back, and this nice young man in front me, and a big spot light overhead of me. It felt like everyone in the lobby turned around to look at me. Since the rodeo was in town the whole lobby was filled with country folk. What probably seemed like eternity to me, was really just a few seconds. I answered the young man, “We need a King bed.” Well, there you have it. “Yes, I am gay!” I thought about my answer as the bellman took our bags to the room. I thought about, “I wonder do I look gay?” I mean, I do not care if I do, I just wondered what type of impression I made on people? The other chance encounter occurred last weekend in Houston. Yet again at a hotel, and yet again, I didn’t even think about the idea “Do I look gay.” Dr. Ashden and I went to Houston to see the “Art and Steel” exhibit at the Houston Fine Arts Museum. The exhibit contained beautiful examples of automobiles whose designs were inspired by the Art Deco period. I made arrangements to stay at the Hotel Granduca. Again, I found myself in the same situation at check-in. However, it went a little more differently this time. I went to the check-in area, I handed my credit card to yet a very nice looking tall blonde young man, and I wasn’t even aware of the idea, “Do I look gay?” Dr. Ashden was by my side. I checked in, and the receptionist was kind and jovial. He handed me my key to the room. The bellman took us up to a very nice Junior Suite room (The receptionist had told me, I am upgrading your room for free). We opened the door to the suite. There was a beautiful kitchen and television area decorated in hues of browns and golds. The bellman opened the bedroom door, and there was a gigantic king bed. I thought to myself, “I wonder why the receptionist did not ask Dr. Ashden and I for double beds?” I mean if we were two heterosexual guys, the idea that two heterosexual guys were going to share a king size bed would be an issue. I know my two brothers would never sleep in any size bed in a hotel room with any other their male friends. I mean never! Yet, the receptionist had to make a judgment call when he saw Dr. Ashden and me together. He must have thought, “They are gay!” Why else would he upgrade us to a room with a king size bed? Now, let me end this thought “Do I look gay?” with the statement, I really do not care. I am not going to change the way I dress or look. You have to remember Dr. Ashden and I have over 70 years of heterosexual marriage between us. So, there are some situations that linger within us. When I checked into a hotel with my wife, I never even thought of the idea that the bed would be a king. However, since I am fairly new to gay life, the question comes to my mind a little more often, “Do I look gay?” And, if I do look gay, so be it. It’s an honor to be the person who you are. |
Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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