February 26th, 2019: Jeremy Irons Made Me Gay I come back to this old blog with a sense of wonder. I wonder why that the lack of keeping up with it haunts the back of my mind? I believe the main reason that it does is because it begs the question, “Where am I now?” It also makes me explore various issues that might or does make me uncomfortable. Writing about Coming Out Late is challenging to a person who has a very difficult time acknowledging something about himself that he tried to suppress or deny for most of his life. I still find myself surprised by making sense of something that was always there. One of the ways my suppressed homosexuality is visually demonstrated to me is the viewing of film. I love movies, and I really enjoy old films. I can sometimes remember when it was when I first saw a movie or film that I particularly enjoyed. When I watch the same film from which I viewed many years ago, I can see there is a difference. I was more attracted to the male actor than the female actor. This revelation is probably nothing new for a gay man that has lived his whole life gay, but for someone who lived in denial and suppression such as me, it’s extraordinary. My gayness, my sexuality was there, I was experiencing it when I was younger, but I did not even know it, or I knew it, but I did not know what “it” was. I think to myself, “How could you have not known?” after watching all of those films. I think of actors that I like, like Jeremy Irons. I just thought I wanted to be fit like him or fit in clothing as beautifully as he did and still does. May be that what being in denial does, it forbids us to really face up to the truth. A truth that I really never wanted to face. I didn’t just like Jeremy Irons as an actor, I lusted over him for his male sexuality. I am guessing I am far from the first gay man to lust over Jeremy Irons. He is so beautiful, so well spoken, so nicely dressed, and so continental. How has my secret and hidden lust for Jeremy Irons affected my personal life. Dr. Ashden in many ways is like Jeremy Irons. He is skinny and tall, very attractive even for an older person. He loves beautiful clothing, and even wears exotic clothing out in public such as poncho type covers from the Middle East and South America. He speaks three languages, and he has travelled the world and he is filled with many stories of his travels that provide me with a quest for worldly travels. I wonder now. Is it when I first saw and met Dr. Ashden, was Jeremy Irons the cause of my sexual release? What I saw in Dr. Ashden was an example of Jeremy Irons? I think now I am going to Google the question, “Did Jeremy Irons make me gay?” This question is one I write with humor. Side note: After Googling the question it appears that Jeremy Irons isn’t really hip on gay rights, especially marriage. I am guessing he wouldn’t like the idea that if I met him, I would tell him, “You made me gay!”
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