I been away from the blog for a long time now. I have been thinking about that lately, asking myself “Why so long?” Am I lazy? Probably. Am I just in a really different place since I started this blog? Probably, and hopefully. Of course, as I have stated in other post that I started this blog to help others, to help others that are out there that may be just like me. I see now, that I really started this blog to help me. Man, when I look back, I just cannot believe where I was, and where I am.
One of the biggest benchmarks of time are memories. The strange thing about memories is that you just never know when they come to invade your little happy or unhappy existence. I was thinking about that idea as I woke up this morning. Last night I had a dream that I was with my ex-wife in some European casino and I was trying to figure out how much $5000 euros was in American dollars. She and I were just having a normal discussion about conversion rates. Towards the end of the dream, a quick cut occurred to Dr. Ashden standing on this back porch telling someone that he sent me to Europe. I woke up immediately because of the strange dichotomy occurring. I woke up thinking my life is different, much different than it used to be. Lying in bed awake, I thought about the past, and then another memory popped up about my first family function in which I took Dr. Ashden. Why are memories pop up from one point to another, I don’t know? At that family function, my sister-in-law’s sister was there, and my ex-wife was living with her at the time. Later that night, my mother and I were at my house. The telephone rang at 9pm on a Sunday night, which is rather odd for my house, and my ex-wife was on the phone. I remember when we were trying to stay together, thinking it would never work out because when she got mad, she would say some horrible things to me as a way of acting out. Well, she had found out that I took Dr. Ashden to the family function, and it was her time to act out. Some horrible words were spoken. Consequently, after hanging up the phone, I acted out. My mother tried to calm me down, but I didn’t see it her way. I said some rude things to my mother. Why I would write about this horrific experience goes back to how random memories pop up in your mind. Looking back now, I thought I was alright at the time, but I was anything but alright. Yes, it’s painful to write all of this, but especially because my mother is now dead, and I cannot talk to her about it now. I cannot tell her, “Man, I really owe you an apology for that event.” I mean, I did apologize at the time, but what’s an apology good for if it’s from a crazy person? So where is the good of this story? The good is that I know that I am not that person today. I went to church today as I do every Sunday with Dr. Ashton, and I just prayed. Kneeling in this extraordinary church while others were being a part of the service, I just prayed, and prayed to my mother, to my father, and to all others that I had hurt. I asked for forgiveness. I don’t write all of these intimate stories to be sad. I write these stories down because, I have been reading so many books. Books about being gay, the gay lifestyle, living a life of intention, and the coming out process, I just have to express that rarely do I come across real life living. Yes, all of these books have mantras, be the best you can be, be authentic, live in the now, be conscious and live with intent, but my life is filled with memories, and my memories take me back to the past. I find myself extraordinarily lucky. Most of my life is filled with so much joy. Memories of being with my ex-wife are mostly happy. Memories of my family are mostly happy. Memories with Dr. Ashden are mostly happy, and when I encounter the bad, when I can look back and see what a mess I was, I guess the good thing is to know that I am not there now. Yes, I will live with intent and in the Now, but the only way I am here now is because I had to walk so many steps before. Hopefully, we learn from these steps as oppose to stopping. What is it I read recently, “Happiness is not avoiding unhappiness.” How I wish I knew myself, how I wish I had more strength to know myself more in the past. I was following a path that was taught to me from a very young age, it was all I ever knew. No one ever said to me, “You know there is a path you take in life, unfortunately, there are going to be some people out there where this path isn’t going to work.” So what happens then? Well, when that path doesn’t work, all I can tell you is to pick up the pieces. Sometimes you have to just stop. Stop everything. You stand up, you pick up the pieces that do work, and let go of the ones that don’t work. Asking for forgiveness is a good place to start to the people you may have hurt along the way to the journey of learning about you. I learned today, yes, ask for forgiveness from others, but learn to forgive yourself at the same time. Feel that forgiveness within yourself, and make today and tomorrow a better day for others and you. If you can do that, you are going to be OK.
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Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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