I been hesitant to continue with my story. Probably like you, our stories never really seem to stop. I am at an age where my family and friends are experiencing either extreme happiness or much sorrow. Our parents are older, our parents are in the process of dying or have died. Children are leaving to college, children are having babies. Life is on full display.
I am probably going to end my story, here, telling my mother, “I am gay.” While it was difficult to do, I think at the time I viewed it as another hurdle to jump through in a life at a time, when everything had gone from order to chaos. I didn’t really even get the time to go to therapy in order to try to make some type of logical sense in my life. My ex-wife was intending to move in with my sister and my brother-in-law. What I do remember is asking my ex-wife that if this is what you intend to do, then please let me go down South to tell my mother, “I am gay.” I also had to tell my mother that “I am getting a divorce, and that I cheated on my wife.” There is a lot all there, breakup, divorce, and outed. Even now, it is difficult to look back and view it all. My mother lived 150 miles away from me along the Texas-Mexican border. So, I left the city in my car driving south, I had called her in advance to let her know that I was coming down. To be honest I don’t remember a thing about driving down. The only thing I can actually remember now was sitting at my mother’s kitchen table. It was a Saturday afternoon, and since I visited my mother almost every other Saturday, there was an extreme ordinariness to the whole setting. Well, I am afraid my admission was quite anti-climactic. After sitting and driving in a car for over two hours, I just wanted everything to be over. My mother and I were sitting at the kitchen table, and I just told her everything. Blatant, upfront, and non-dramatically, I told her, “I was gay.” I think she looked at me for less than five seconds, and she said, “I know.” She then went to talk of the past. She went into a conversation that she said we had on one of our Saturday afternoon lunches in Mexico. In that conversation of the past, I told my mother, “I am getting married.” She said, “Are you sure you want to do that?” Of course I wanted to get married, I was in love. When she brought it all up at the table that Saturday, I honestly didn’t remember a thing. I have had four years to think about it, and it’s only now that I vaguely remember the conversation prior to our marriage. At the time that she was questioning me getting married, I thought maybe she was just questioning me as to my readiness. I had no idea what she was really referencing. Twenty-four years later, I tell my mother “I am gay.” She said, “I know, now let’s go to lunch!” It was nowhere near as dramatic as I thought it would be. However, the non-dramatic conversation has opened a door to my subconscious, a door that remains open still today, because it has a long unknowing list of questions that will forever remain unanswered now because both of my parents are deceased. I find myself wondering when did my mother suspect me of being gay? I assume it was at a very young age. I fit the pattern of having an emotionally distant father and an overcompensating mother full of love. Somethings seem just to make more sense now more than they ever have, especially my relationship with my father. I don’t get extreme joy by unloading my dirty laundry to others on the Internet. What I am trying to do here is to help the person who still struggles. My experience is that it’s especially hard to be who you want to be. Also, by denying the truth or by not challenging yourself to really know who you are, you cheat yourself out of much of the joys of life. I lived in denial, I buried a truth that others all could see. To be who you are, what bigger commandment can there be? You cannot love another, if at first you don’t love yourself.
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Guess, I took a Spring Break week last week? I want to continue with my story, especially since I have come to the moment when a 47-year-old married man must tell his mother, “I am gay.” I will tell that story soon. Today, I am just doing some heavy reflecting. I feel compelled to write down some quick notes.
Within the past ten days my phone has been ringing a lot. I have had some old friends call me, and they have wanted to catch up on things. I find it funny, and of course I am glad that they called me. I think I have mentioned before that most of my friends sided with my ex-wife after our divorce, and I really wouldn’t have expected them to have done otherwise. I am thinking as in all things, time changes everything. I must admit that I have walked a long path. It’s only now that I have the ability to live alone in comfort and in my solitude. I hated being alone for such a long time. My evenings use to be filled with two or three glasses of wine and the television. I don’t know why, but I have quit drinking. Maybe it was the attempt of putting on an old bathing suit and I found the whole experience discouraging. Let’s just say my new bathing suit is going to have to be a little bit more flexible around the waistline. Two or three glasses of wine a day have had their effect. I see that I really miss my little wine friend. My paradigm shift occurred when I was helping a friend last week endure her husband’s alcoholism. He had ended up in the hospital. I was shocked to find out how terrible delirium tremens really were. I felt sorry for everyone involved. Of course, it is hard not to internalize the whole matter. It made me step back and look at my own drinking. Well, just looking back on my past, I could easily express the idea that I probably shouldn’t drink again. However, let me be clear here, I am only on day six, but I have determination and high resolve! Some times I have found myself feeling as if I am in a bad comedy these last six days without alcohol. I never realized how much alcohol entered into my daily life. I go out to dinner almost every night. Dr. Ashden and I met up with a couple of friends this weekend. So, there I was, sitting at the dinner table, and the waitress comes along and asked for dinner drinks. Everyone at the table ordered a glass of wine, while I ordered a soft drink. When I said, “I would like a Coke.”, suddenly the whole table turned around and looked at me. I never realized that this simple little soft drink order would generate so much conversation. During the past six days it seems as if when I turn on the television every other commercial is a beer or liquor commercial. I guess the real difference here is seeing the reality of drinking. When you spend time in a hospital waiting room with a mother and her children while their dad is in the ICU with delirium tremors, well it’s very heavy on your heart for everyone involved. I am no Puritan, and I could care less if anyone drinks in front of me, or if my ordering of a non-alcoholic drink might make someone uncomfortable. At 53, I just see that the dreams that I have had in life are becoming less attainable as time passes by. I also see, my whole idea of Coming Out was misconstrued. Coming Out, Coming Out Late, is not an event, it’s process. Discovering I am gay, and I am in a gay relationship maybe a bit unusual relationship, but a relationship none the less wasn’t something I ever imagined would happen to me in life. To quit drinking alcohol is another concept in my life that I never really thought would happen. The real question here is, “Is the quitting of alcohol and Coming Out Process related to one another in my life?” I am going to have to admit, I believe they are. Four years have passed, and I believe that I have emotionally and mentally grown up from the destruction of my life. I don’t have to pretend to be anyone, I can be the person I choose to be. Having to get rid of 24 years of collected possessions from a marriage made me realize that I really don’t need too much in life to get by, all that stuff didn’t bring me lasting happiness. I guess at 53, I realize that the best things in life, aren’t things. I look at my present life as a wonderful growth opportunity, and that feels good! |
Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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