Are you different? I know I am. I have been doing some photography work for a French company, and as part of my job I have to go throughout the hotel and take photos. Now this sounds like a simple job, but when your six feet tall and 190lbs, you just can’t hide behind a fake plant by the lobby check-in. Also, these last two hotels were right off the Interstate, and they were about as interesting as cardboard. When you walk around the hotel with a professional camera and lens, people notice. I usually get, “Man, that is a fancy camera!” I am suppose to be incognito.
Remember, I told you that I am different. One of the ways I try to divert attention to myself is to go to the bar and order a drink. I say “Bar”, in most situations the bar consists of a small counter with a curve at the end. It has been there at the bar, that I get to see Americana at work. There is the “Old Guy” drinking a scotch, there is the young couple taking a break away from the kids as they swim, or maybe there are the two guy friends slipping away from the wives to sneak some drinks. As I size these people up, they are sizing me up at the same time. I guess what I am referring to is that they have their gaydar on. I don’t know what you call the experience of when a gay man knows he is being sized up for gay, but you just know some times. It has been my experience that the “Old Guy” is one of the most difficult people to strike up a conversation, and I don’t entirely believe it is because you are gay. Being an old guy myself, I tend to think that the Old Guy is just enjoying a moment. The last Old Guy I was briefly speaking with was from College Station, Texas. He was at the bar awhile, and then his wife came to yank him away for grandparent’s obligations. Now the young couple is usually more curious than the Old Guy. You strike up a conversation, and they ask you pretty quickly if your wife is with you. I tell them that I am divorced, but I was lucky to be married to a wonderful person for 24 years, that immediately sparks up a Red Flag to them. The more you converse with them, the more you realize you are on trial. Eventually, I tell them through their long list of questions that I have a friend/partner, even I don’t know what I actually have right now. After that things get pretty quiet. So, I see. The Old Guy is some one I can totally relate too. I just want to have a glass of wine, relax a minute from life without disruption. “Hey Old Guy, I get it!” So much of life is filled with pointless conversation. When it is 100 degrees outside, the sun is blazing hot, and every move seems to take maximum effort, sitting down, having a cold drink in peace away from your significant other, and enjoying a “moment” doesn’t happen that often. The Old Guy knows life, it is something he experienced through the years. Life rarely goes exactly the way you plan. I stumbled and failed, which I have written about in the blog over the years, but I picked myself up. I cannot say I did it quickly, but I did. The idea that everyone knows I am gay, is not a big deal. It is just another part of life. The trick here is, don’t stay down. Move forward with experience, with empathy, with graciousness, I like that title of a recent book I read, “More Beautiful Than Before.”
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Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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