How could everything be the same? Recently, I was at Dr. Ashden’s home and a moment of passion occurred. Let’s just say, adults were being adults. Well, immediately afterwards Dr. Ashden began to worry about one of his adult children stopping at the house. It was hinted to quickly dress, but as I dressed I don’t know a flash of craziness hit my body. I dressed and ran out of the house.
A day has passed, and I am trying to analyze the situation. Dr. Ashden is depressed and confused, guess what, I am also depressed and complexed. What was it that made me run out the house? I have been asking myself that question all day, and I am thinking I am getting closer and closer to an answer. You see, after almost four years of being with Dr. Ashden I see that I have changed. In the early days of our romance the above situation was very common. Maybe even then, it led to a little excitement, but so much has changed over the years. Four years ago I was married. I had a good job. I had a home I loved, a home that meant something to me. My mother was still alive. My oldest friend who I believed struggled with sexual issues was alive. Yes, I was living an American middle class dream. However, today all the things that I had living and non-living are mostly gone. At the heart of the matter, I was “Thrown Out” to my little perfect world to be a gay man. I am not really quite sure how to tell everyone what that truly means as a man who lived a heterosexual life of 47 years. Probably it’s akin to being white and then black. Inside you see yourself as the same “Me”, but you cannot be truly aware of how others see you differently. How does this relate to Dr. Ashden? Well, it’s kind of the same problem. He sees himself as the heterosexual widower. His life has remained fairly constant over the last four years. Things still need to be hidden. Everybody knows, but nobody talks openly about “it”, the gay thing. You see, I just wasn’t given that luxury. I was thrown out. I can think of numerous situations where my new sexuality was a problem for people. Something I haven’t experienced as a heterosexual male. I used to be oblivious to such matters, but after four years you experience things. I am still reminded of this issue when I hear someone say, “Why would I choose to be gay?” Exactly, being gay in a heterosexual world is still a challenge. Wow, four years is a long time. All of the pain and suffering that I have experienced has made me so much stronger, not weaker. The feeling of being asked to get dressed quickly after sex, seems cheap, especially when it is with someone you love. So from self-loathing to a knowing feeling of “I am worth more than that” is a good thing, right? Dr. Ashden and I remain detached from one another.
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I am not quite sure, but something really big happened to me. I guess you could say, “I took a chance.” A chance that maybe by doing something different, things would get better. My chance? I went to my first Meet Up Group in Austin, Texas. It was a group formed for Coming Out Late. I haven’t really seen one here in San Antonio, but there is something close for Gay Fathers. I am not a father.
Funny, I never even got nervous about joining via the Web. I was surprised that only 6 members out of 120 stated they were going. They met on a Sunday afternoon, and I thought I could manage that schedule. I never got nervous, until I got closer and closer to the coffee shop. Ideas rushed my mind. I thought “What are these guys going to be like? Am I going to say anything? Maybe I should just sit and listen?” However, it’s a Meet Up with 6 people scheduled for two hours, I am going to have to speak. Since this is a blog and not a book, I going to have to mention the highlights and maybe not so much highlights. Since the meeting is in Austin, I wasn’t surprised to find that the attendees were all college educated professionals. The age range was mostly 50ish, with one outlier being younger in his 30’s and another person pushing 70. While there were a multitude of conversations, I found that I was struck how freely and open people spoke of sexuality and the places they experience it. There were two people who were married, and they have told their wives that they are bi-sexual. In fact, I was the only person to actually confirm, I was gay. All the other men said they were “Bi”, except the host who mentioned he probably leaned gay. I was also surprised at how these people meet up for sex. Movie Houses? Really? I thought that was like something in the 1970’s? Of course, they spoke of apps made for “cruising”. I am not making a judgment here, but I think I shattered the house when I said, “I am in love with a man, there is a big difference between quick sex and love.” I am surprised that they did not all break out in laughter after I said it. Their faces were shocked. I am thinking, “You aren’t suppose to say something like this?” They all confirmed it, when everyone acknowledged they haven’t been IN love with a man. I am probably going to come back to this subject, but what surprised me most is how different I felt and I am feeling by attending this Meet Up. I am truly grateful for all of these men sharing their stories. Most have been married, most had children, and they all had a sense of depth to them. But, in discussing their sexuality, it occurred to me what a huge mystery it all was and is. There is no correct script here. I guess by going, I saw and met people who were just like me in some sort of way. Knowing you are not alone, well, it’s liberating. In the past, I felt as if I was the only person in the world who has undergone this situation. While I never like to see people struggle, I acknowledge that I still struggle but not like I did before. I also see that I have grown over the years, and I find that happily difficult to believe. The pain seems to have been lifted, and I am getting up again, better and stronger. This Meet Up meets only once a month. I am still amazed how just one Meet Up was better than two years of therapy. I am planning on attending next month. I also got the idea that maybe I would start my own Meet Up. If one meeting helped me, I am thinking by making my own Meet Up, maybe I can help just one person? If I can, then it will all be worth my effort. |
Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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