How could everything be the same? Recently, I was at Dr. Ashden’s home and a moment of passion occurred. Let’s just say, adults were being adults. Well, immediately afterwards Dr. Ashden began to worry about one of his adult children stopping at the house. It was hinted to quickly dress, but as I dressed I don’t know a flash of craziness hit my body. I dressed and ran out of the house.
A day has passed, and I am trying to analyze the situation. Dr. Ashden is depressed and confused, guess what, I am also depressed and complexed. What was it that made me run out the house? I have been asking myself that question all day, and I am thinking I am getting closer and closer to an answer. You see, after almost four years of being with Dr. Ashden I see that I have changed. In the early days of our romance the above situation was very common. Maybe even then, it led to a little excitement, but so much has changed over the years. Four years ago I was married. I had a good job. I had a home I loved, a home that meant something to me. My mother was still alive. My oldest friend who I believed struggled with sexual issues was alive. Yes, I was living an American middle class dream. However, today all the things that I had living and non-living are mostly gone. At the heart of the matter, I was “Thrown Out” to my little perfect world to be a gay man. I am not really quite sure how to tell everyone what that truly means as a man who lived a heterosexual life of 47 years. Probably it’s akin to being white and then black. Inside you see yourself as the same “Me”, but you cannot be truly aware of how others see you differently. How does this relate to Dr. Ashden? Well, it’s kind of the same problem. He sees himself as the heterosexual widower. His life has remained fairly constant over the last four years. Things still need to be hidden. Everybody knows, but nobody talks openly about “it”, the gay thing. You see, I just wasn’t given that luxury. I was thrown out. I can think of numerous situations where my new sexuality was a problem for people. Something I haven’t experienced as a heterosexual male. I used to be oblivious to such matters, but after four years you experience things. I am still reminded of this issue when I hear someone say, “Why would I choose to be gay?” Exactly, being gay in a heterosexual world is still a challenge. Wow, four years is a long time. All of the pain and suffering that I have experienced has made me so much stronger, not weaker. The feeling of being asked to get dressed quickly after sex, seems cheap, especially when it is with someone you love. So from self-loathing to a knowing feeling of “I am worth more than that” is a good thing, right? Dr. Ashden and I remain detached from one another.
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Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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