Happy New Year..to a New Day!1/4/2016
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January 4, 2016
Ah, the Holidays are gone! Check! A new year is ahead! As you probably know the holidays were a bit more difficult for me this past year than previous years. I don’t write out of self-pity, again I write this blog for the person out there that has Come Out Late in middle age. I am not sure that I am right here, but I try to write from the challenges and victories I have experienced. Being middle aged is challenging enough, but having lived a heterosexual lifestyle most of your life, and then discovering and experiencing you are gay, well it only adds to the challenges of life. In my heart I believe there is a false impression that popular culture presents concerning the individual who has experienced this phenomenon. I realize I am just one person, most likely there are as many different outcomes as there are persons experiencing the Coming Out Late process.
Speaking of a myriad of possibilities of the Coming Out process is akin to experiencing our latest Texas weather. On one day alone recently you can feel like you are in Seattle in the rain and cold, and a couple of hours later feel the sunshine and heat of the South Texas plains. On New Year’s Day, it was gray, rainy, and cold. A good day to pick up a good book and drink hot tea. Well, somewhere between the book reading, tea, and noon, I picked up the book, Body for Life. I began to read the personal stories about people who were out of shape, and accepted the 12 week fitness challenge. So, I made a commitment, twelve weeks from today, I hope to be in the best shape ever, the best physical, mental and spiritual shape.
Prior to my divorce, I was in really good shape. After my divorce, well, due to depression I found it harder and harder to go to the gym. I took some recent photos of myself, and I see that somewhere between my divorce and now, I had let myself go. I thought about that on New Year’s Day. I thought to myself, “When did I just give up?” and I thought about the life that I was living. Now, this is not a sad thing, it’s just some self-reflection. On New Year’s Day, I made a commitment to myself. I told myself, “I am ready to live the life I want.”
One of the first things I immediately realized was that I had to ask for forgiveness. I forgot to ask one of the most important people in my life for forgiveness. I had asked forgiveness from so many people except for one, myself. I thought about this ideal for a moment. What does it mean to ask for forgiveness to yourself? Well, it means that you have to accept, you are not perfect. During my marriage, I have strive to be the perfect everything. Oh believe me, I know I am far from perfect, but I have striven for it. What I am talking about here is, that I needed to forgive myself for missing my mark in life. Everything I striven for prior to my affair and my divorce, well, I realize now that my ladder resting upon the wall of happiness was resting upon the wrong wall. Somewhere between keeping up with a big home, a demanding job, and family obligations, I was unhappy inside, and I didn’t know why, and the great unexpected occurred.
I look back on all of these past events, and I tell myself, “It’s time to let go of the past, forgive yourself, and start living, start living in the Now.” I realize in middle age, that it’s not money that is my most valuable commodity, but time. Time is running out, and I am hell bound to make the most of what I have left. It is time to get off the couch, and motivate yourself to a higher purpose. Besides committing to my physical well-being, I have committed to my spiritual well-being. I stepped up at my church, and I joined an additional group within the church. When you make decisions, such as these, you feel liberated. You feel good. You feel motivated, and most of all, you feel empowered, empowered to live again. I ask you, what is holding you back from living the life you want? I believe the person most likely keeping you from being the person you want to be, is yourself.
0 Comments The Christmas Story is our Story12/30/2015
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December 30, 2015
It’s been a tough year. The holidays can be tough on people. They are also a time of great joy at the same time. I knew this year was going to be a little bit tougher due to the recent loss of my mother. I lost my father some years earlier. I also lost my house where my ex-wife and I use to live. No, I didn’t lose it in a foreclosure, but probably pretty close. I held on to it for as long as I could, because when she walked out on me on Valentine’s Day, she also left me with two dogs and three cats. I couldn’t see myself finding a rental that would let me keep all of them, and I wasn’t about to lose them.
I see that holding on to the family home had a lot more emotional attachment than I could ever realize. All of the memories that I had there were to be lost. My ex-wife and I moved to San Antonio 10 years ago, now 11. I guess I can tell you a little bit more about me. You see, all I ever really wanted to live and to be was a happy normal family man. My ex-wife and I tried to have children, but well, that a story for another time, for now, let just say it didn’t happen. Not to trash talk my ex-wife here, but I did all of the house cleaning, cooking, shopping, gardening, car maintenance, well, it goes on and on, and anyone who has ever owned a home knows this story. I did all this because, to me, home is everything.
I never wanted to fall in love with a man. I wonder if there is someone out there with a similar story? The great unexpected occurs when you least expect it. Even now, after all these years, I wonder how things could be different. I guess, I wonder about it because of the time of year. I turned on the television and all that seems to bombast me our Christmas’ stories and commercials filled with families having fun and filled with happiness, meanwhile I sit in a small rent house with five pets alone. There was and is a great emptiness right now. I think to myself, “I wanted that!” At the same time, somewhere deep inside me, even from a very early age I knew that I wasn’t going to have it.
This feeling that I feel now, is a feeling that always seemed to lurk somewhere deep within my soul. The best way I could describe it, is that to say, “I am different.” I think of the years I tried to be not different. There are probably some, no probably many, who would say, “You were only fooling yourself.” What am I really guilty of here? I wanted to belong, I wanted to be, I wanted what everything I ever saw and heard preached was happiness? I am not guilty of anything, just of being fooled.
Take the story of Christmas itself. As a child, I was told that Santa was coming down the chimney to give me presents for no apparent reason. A child’s mind can suspend the rational. As time goes on, children talk to one another to tell others, “There is no Santa!” You learn there is no Santa, but you don’t tell your parents. The family hovers around a false idea, and unity is maintained. In the end, your parents never really tell you, “Look we are sorry for deceiving you all those years, we did it because that is what we were taught, and there is a higher good.” Isn’t the Christmas story similar to the out late and gay story?
When we were younger, we had a child’s mind. We believed in the perfect American dream story. Somewhere down the road of life, we know, the perfect American dream story isn’t our story. A perfect wife and perfect children and a two car garage isn’t to be our happiness. God, I wanted it to be. I guess somewhere down life’s road it was bound to happen. You meet a man that changes everything. You are mad, you are happy, you are confused, your world changes. If you are married, and you do love your wife, you don’t say anything. My affair was wrong. I wanted to put the genie back into the bottle. Maybe I could say nothing, and keep going on, just like the Christmas story, no one ever says anything, you now know you are gay and you are married but don’t say anything. You know and I know there are guys out there who do just this, they keep going on, married, and knowing they are gay. It can be a real curse.
I couldn’t listen to Christmas songs this year, even though I love them. Every time I heard them, I thought of my ex-wife and my mother. Thank God, Adele 25 came out, even though listening to Adele’s music isn’t much happier! I am feeling the challenge of being 50 alone and gay. Some days I tell myself, “I am not gay! Or maybe I just don’t want to be gay, I want that American dream”. In my case, I was outed against my will to everyone I knew. There is no putting the genie back into the bottle.
Unexpectedly, I am having to work the next few days. I was dreading it, but now I couldn’t be happier. I walked out the door, knowing that the Christmas season is over. It is behind me, and now it’s time to move on. I walked out the door knowing, “I did it, it was a tough year.”
0 Comments A New Day Awakens!11/28/2015
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Hello, it's me! Life is getting better and better!
I never really thought it would be hard to write a blog. What’s it take a couple of meaningful minutes a day? However, the reality of mine and probably all of our lives is that real life happens to us daily. I have to remind myself why I even wanted to write a blog in the first place. No, I am not looking for notoriety or big success, I began this blog only for one reason, and I wanted to truly help the person who is out there like I was, who came into their sexuality late in life.
Believe me, real life is hard enough. Get up, make the coffee, take the dogs for a walk, go to work, work all day, come home, go out to dinner with my friend, and come home and the rest of the day is left for myself. I didn’t even mention paying bills and cleaning the house. To find some time to write a blog, and hopefully to express something meaningful, well it’s proven a little more difficult than I imagined.
The strange thing for me is looking back. Looking back at my previous posts is challenging, painful, and liberating. If any of you had read them, then I apologize now, I could have been on a little bit on my pity pot. I will be honest here, I really struggle even today to think how I got outed and divorced all at the same time, and I am talking about in Texas! And the whole, “Out Thing’, I am really not too sure what it all means even today, but I get glimpses of it every now and then, like going to a family event with a man instead of a woman. Well, it’s been some years now, and it is less of an event as normal, but it still gets some eyes from time to time. Take the occasion when you are out at a restaurant, and someone recognizes me with my family. They come to speak, and they we are all, and when it comes to my lover sitting next to me as oppose to my ex-wife, you can see an uncertainty on a person’s face.
Also, I see some of the bigger challenges of being gay and older. Maybe there is a change going on, but to be older in a gay culture that glamorizes youth and brawn, well, as older people we are even challenged in a culture that should be more accepting. I have joined a group called Prime Time. It was established to deal with just this issue, to assist older men with the loneliness of being an older gay person. What a thoughtful organization, and let faces it, getting older and meeting new and meaningful friendships is difficult for everyone straight or gay. I think it even poses a bigger challenge to the person who was married to the opposite sex. When you join an organization such as this, you really see your life changing, and change is just difficult period. What makes it a little bit easier in Prime Time is it’s amazing how many men you meet who were married and have children. I don’t have children, but what a great way to know that you aren’t as different as you may think.
I am looking to the road ahead here. The photo I posted on this post come from a vantage point on IH-35 outside of Cotulla, Texas. You come to this spot, and it looks out on hundreds of miles before you of the vast South Texas landscape. My father travelled all over the world, and almost every time when I was in the car with him, he said, “I am home, this is my home.” I look at it now, and see a different meaning, I see the road ahead of me has a myriad of possibilities. It’s only up to me to know how I am going to move forth. The road behind while difficult and painful, is just that, it’s behind me. If you are new to being out and gay, I want you to know that it gets better. As time passes for me, I realize that I do not have to be any stereotype or be something that I am not. I just still got to do what I have always strive to be. Be yourself, be true. Be honest. Enjoy the day given to you.
0 Comments Old Man River - He Just Keeps Moving Along7/29/2015
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It’s been a long time since I have written anything. I had to remind myself why I am writing. I am writing for the person who discovers his sexuality late in life. I am writing for the person who was in a heterosexual marriage, and now finds himself uncertain and alone when he realizes he is gay. Again, I believe the media portrays the idea unrealistically. To be in this situation is difficult. It is painful. However, I want you to know that I have been there. I have been through the pain. I want you to know that I got through it. I admit, there were times I wanted to die. The positive side of the ordeal, only through resolving our problems do we grow. We grow spiritually and we mature.
It’s been two years now since my divorce. I can only tell you now, that I can feel like I am looking back, as oppose to still being in the pain. This feeling has been a long time coming. On top of losing my wife, as of April, I now lost my best friend, my mother to a sudden illness. In that same month, I lost my beloved house. I had to sell it; it was too difficult to maintain a dual income lifestyle on a single income. April was a month of lost.
The bright side, well, I luckily found a rent home that would take my dogs and cats. The home is located in the downtown area of San Antonio. Everything happened so fast; I didn’t even know that the biggest City Park in town was so closely located by the home. The park is beautiful. It is filled with lovely majestic oak trees nestled along the San Antonio River. The limestone Spanish architectural buildings that dot the area only add to the magnificent beauty of the place.
Also, in the area is the Pearl Brewery complex that has been converted to a luxury hotel, shops, and restaurants. The complex is causing an inner city growth. Luxury apartment buildings and condominiums are popping up everywhere. Every major museum in the City is within a bike ride from my house, and we are talking Texas here!
On a more personal note, I am preparing to leave on my first vacation with my partner? Boyfriend? Friend? I don’t know. I haven’t figured all that out just yet. We are heading to one of his favorite designations, San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. I am still a little uneasy with going. I know that probably sounds crazy, but it is just the way I feel. I mean all of my vacations have been spent with my former wife.
My friend wanted to stay in a hotel room, a room that he always stayed in with his wife, but I thought the idea sounded bad. So, I got a house. Having the option to have my own bedroom and bathroom sounds too appealing to me.
I guess you can see, that even though I am divorced, and I am in a relationship of some odd sort, I am still taking baby steps in my relationship. I had almost 50 years of living a different life. Learning to be in a complete different world takes time. You will never see an ending like this on TV. The transitional period from a heterosexual world to a gay world is difficult. Some how, I am getting through it!
0 Comments Welcome Back7/29/2015
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0 Comments LOVE IS STRANGE2/20/2015
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I watched the film, Love is Strange, last night. I have to say, that I was not particularly satisfied when I got to the ending. I went to bed, thinking “What a complete waste of time” and “Why did that film get such high marks on Rotten Tomatoes?”
Well, some time has passed, and I am beginning to have a change of attitude. Really, I was corresponding with a friend over the Net today, and I found myself saying to him, what I think that the film did an excellent job doing.
Let me go back a bit and talk about the basic plot concerning the movie. I am not going to give all the details because I do not want to spoil someone’s upcoming viewing. In a nutshell, an older gay couple finally ties the knot. Since the marriage ceremony was very public, one of the guys in the marriage finds himself losing his job. He worked at a Catholic school, and the Catholic hierarchy did not approve of his marriage. He is immediately fired. The couple finds themselves having to move from their NYC apartment. Since money is tight, they have to rely upon friends for living assistance until they can afford to move into another place together. Each of the couple lives with an extended adopted family. Each of the men face their own challenges within the families, but pretty much their challenges are just normal challenges that anyone would face. The film really emphasizes the mundane and the trivialness of daily life. This film moves slowly, and it is not be seen if you are tired.
So, getting back to my communication with my friend. I was telling him that I am struggling. You see, I have encountered some recent situations with people where all the sudden my new sexual identity was being emphasized. It’s not like I am Christian, I am now Gay Christian – now, you gotta find some humor there! I think there is misunderstanding with people as to how my life really is. It’s just like those guys in the movie. It’s mundane and simple. I get up, have a cup of coffee, walk the dogs, go to work, get home watch the news, and go out to dinner with a friend every now and then.
My life is ordinary, and that what the film was saying about the gay married couple. They are just ordinary people who share and want the same things as any other couple. So, why is there this crazy challenge to gay marriage? I can tell you I didn’t do to great of a job with my heterosexual marriage. Well, I was happily married, until the end, and what an ending! But, I don’t think that I am too different than others. It’s not like the heterosexual divorce rate is anything to brag about.
You know Love is Strange. Many people are lonely out there because they are scared, they fear taking a risk, taking a chance. Love is strange in the sense it is a mystery. You never really know when it’s going to come up and hit you. And, often more times than not, it’s never the person you ever imagined. The sad thing is that so many people are afraid to take a risk, and to not take a risk means you are a slave to fear. If you are alone…take a chance, take a risk, the worst to happen is you made a small mistake, and the best thing that could happen is that you find yourself someone to share a life. Go for it – be willing to be foolish!
0 Comments love is strange2/20/2015
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0 Comments OLSEN'S FINALLY OUT: READ BELOW1/23/2015
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0 Comments olsen's finally out: mid-life coming out1/23/2015
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An interesting point in Loren Olsen's book, Finally Out, is a passage that he discusses concerning the deflocked evangelical preacher, Ted Haggard. I respected Olsen's compassion for this man. I watched the documentary on Haggard and as a compassionate person, I felt immense sorrow for him. I believe that some in the gay community have been particularly harsh to him.
At the heart of Ted Haggard's dilemma is that he refuses to acknowledge that there is a part of himself that enjoys homosexual sex coupled with some crystal meth, but that is another subject all together. Here is a man that not only has feelings and sexual urgings that go against his religious practice, but also his religious preaching to others . Yes, to be sure Haggard is a hypocrite, but to hold him up as the only one, as an example, is cruel. If you are reading this passage right now, you can probably think of ordinary Joes who are just as guilty as Haggard, but they live in the shadows.
Coming into your sexuality is an easier journey for some than others. For others not to acknowledge the fact shows a niavete on their part. For some one who grows up in a large metropolitan city, coming out might be easier than say, some one who grows up on the Texas-Mexican border like I did or the Bible belt of the South. I don't know that many gay people, hardly anyone at all, but from what I read, even if you are able to recognize that you are gay at a young age, the coming out process is still difficult.
As in the case with Haggard, he is so far away from identifying who he really is. I don't know the man, so it is not entirely fair for me pass a judgement, but let's makes some safe guesses. Haggard had a choice to whom he was going to have sex with. He was paying for it. When it came time to commit the deed, he chose a muscular gay man. A muscular gay man that turned out to be a slime ball. I mean if you are going to be a whore who fetches drugs, and you go about exposing your client as if you are on a moral high ground, well, there are more than one hypocrites in this story.
So, Haggard has drug induced gay sex. I wonder if Haggard blamed the drug and not himself? Surely, there are many men out there who have had gay sex while being drunk and blamed the experience on being drunk, not on the idea that I like gay sex. Is there really a difference here?
Olsen writes "In the documentary movie, The Trials of Ted Haggard, Haggard appears to be a man struggling to be honest with himself, the world, and his God. Asked whether he could define his sexual identity, Haggard said, "I just thought a spiritual solution would be the solution to everything that's internal. That turned out not to be the case." When he said the familiar gay mantra, "I am what I am," he followed it with, "I was born an evangelical," Shame is the public exposure of private guilt, and recently Haggard has claimed that his homosexual escapades were because as a child he was sexually abused by an adult male. According to his wife, Gayle, through his therapy, he no longer has "those compulsions."
The conflict for men and women who come out in midlife is no more or less difficult than it is for young people, but in some ways, because they have been passing as heterosexual in a heterosexual world, it is more complicated, and reconciliation of their contradictory values has been put on hold. The conflict whether or not to change - most know they cannot. The conflict is about losing a wife and kids, a job, family, and friends, and in some cases, religious faith. Although many of the risks of a vaguely perceived future are more imagined than real, coming out in midlife can lead to an almost total loss of the family and religious community support that was previously enjoyed.
I feel some empathy and compassion for Haggard, and the judgement and intolerance he has received from both his church and the LBGT community are disturbing. The power of his story should not come from watching a dogmatic hypocrite fall! It could easily be lost in the ideological gridlock between religious conservatives and liberal supporters of gay rights. Such contradictions are echoed over and over in the lives of millions of men who struggle to beat back their natural homosexual urges. When they fail to do so, they lose their families and friends, only to find themselves rejected by the gay community, the very ones who should welcome and embrace them."
Ted Haggard is guilty of being a hypocrite, yes. But, somewhere you have to feel a pain for him for not acknowledging the obvious. I am Ted Haggard. No, I didn't preach against homosexuality, but I am guilty for not accepting who I am. I had 10 years of therapy and prescription drugs to figure things out. What the therapy and the drugs couldn't do....another man did do. He made me accept that I am gay. Even now, it's hard to write it...but coming to accept it, well, at least I can move forward.
0 Comments THE OTHER SIDE OF DIVORCE AND OUTED AS GAY11/18/2014
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Christian Cantu
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January 4, 2016
Ah, the Holidays are gone! Check! A new year is ahead! As you probably know the holidays were a bit more difficult for me this past year than previous years. I don’t write out of self-pity, again I write this blog for the person out there that has Come Out Late in middle age. I am not sure that I am right here, but I try to write from the challenges and victories I have experienced. Being middle aged is challenging enough, but having lived a heterosexual lifestyle most of your life, and then discovering and experiencing you are gay, well it only adds to the challenges of life. In my heart I believe there is a false impression that popular culture presents concerning the individual who has experienced this phenomenon. I realize I am just one person, most likely there are as many different outcomes as there are persons experiencing the Coming Out Late process.
Speaking of a myriad of possibilities of the Coming Out process is akin to experiencing our latest Texas weather. On one day alone recently you can feel like you are in Seattle in the rain and cold, and a couple of hours later feel the sunshine and heat of the South Texas plains. On New Year’s Day, it was gray, rainy, and cold. A good day to pick up a good book and drink hot tea. Well, somewhere between the book reading, tea, and noon, I picked up the book, Body for Life. I began to read the personal stories about people who were out of shape, and accepted the 12 week fitness challenge. So, I made a commitment, twelve weeks from today, I hope to be in the best shape ever, the best physical, mental and spiritual shape.
Prior to my divorce, I was in really good shape. After my divorce, well, due to depression I found it harder and harder to go to the gym. I took some recent photos of myself, and I see that somewhere between my divorce and now, I had let myself go. I thought about that on New Year’s Day. I thought to myself, “When did I just give up?” and I thought about the life that I was living. Now, this is not a sad thing, it’s just some self-reflection. On New Year’s Day, I made a commitment to myself. I told myself, “I am ready to live the life I want.”
One of the first things I immediately realized was that I had to ask for forgiveness. I forgot to ask one of the most important people in my life for forgiveness. I had asked forgiveness from so many people except for one, myself. I thought about this ideal for a moment. What does it mean to ask for forgiveness to yourself? Well, it means that you have to accept, you are not perfect. During my marriage, I have strive to be the perfect everything. Oh believe me, I know I am far from perfect, but I have striven for it. What I am talking about here is, that I needed to forgive myself for missing my mark in life. Everything I striven for prior to my affair and my divorce, well, I realize now that my ladder resting upon the wall of happiness was resting upon the wrong wall. Somewhere between keeping up with a big home, a demanding job, and family obligations, I was unhappy inside, and I didn’t know why, and the great unexpected occurred.
I look back on all of these past events, and I tell myself, “It’s time to let go of the past, forgive yourself, and start living, start living in the Now.” I realize in middle age, that it’s not money that is my most valuable commodity, but time. Time is running out, and I am hell bound to make the most of what I have left. It is time to get off the couch, and motivate yourself to a higher purpose. Besides committing to my physical well-being, I have committed to my spiritual well-being. I stepped up at my church, and I joined an additional group within the church. When you make decisions, such as these, you feel liberated. You feel good. You feel motivated, and most of all, you feel empowered, empowered to live again. I ask you, what is holding you back from living the life you want? I believe the person most likely keeping you from being the person you want to be, is yourself.
0 Comments The Christmas Story is our Story12/30/2015
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December 30, 2015
It’s been a tough year. The holidays can be tough on people. They are also a time of great joy at the same time. I knew this year was going to be a little bit tougher due to the recent loss of my mother. I lost my father some years earlier. I also lost my house where my ex-wife and I use to live. No, I didn’t lose it in a foreclosure, but probably pretty close. I held on to it for as long as I could, because when she walked out on me on Valentine’s Day, she also left me with two dogs and three cats. I couldn’t see myself finding a rental that would let me keep all of them, and I wasn’t about to lose them.
I see that holding on to the family home had a lot more emotional attachment than I could ever realize. All of the memories that I had there were to be lost. My ex-wife and I moved to San Antonio 10 years ago, now 11. I guess I can tell you a little bit more about me. You see, all I ever really wanted to live and to be was a happy normal family man. My ex-wife and I tried to have children, but well, that a story for another time, for now, let just say it didn’t happen. Not to trash talk my ex-wife here, but I did all of the house cleaning, cooking, shopping, gardening, car maintenance, well, it goes on and on, and anyone who has ever owned a home knows this story. I did all this because, to me, home is everything.
I never wanted to fall in love with a man. I wonder if there is someone out there with a similar story? The great unexpected occurs when you least expect it. Even now, after all these years, I wonder how things could be different. I guess, I wonder about it because of the time of year. I turned on the television and all that seems to bombast me our Christmas’ stories and commercials filled with families having fun and filled with happiness, meanwhile I sit in a small rent house with five pets alone. There was and is a great emptiness right now. I think to myself, “I wanted that!” At the same time, somewhere deep inside me, even from a very early age I knew that I wasn’t going to have it.
This feeling that I feel now, is a feeling that always seemed to lurk somewhere deep within my soul. The best way I could describe it, is that to say, “I am different.” I think of the years I tried to be not different. There are probably some, no probably many, who would say, “You were only fooling yourself.” What am I really guilty of here? I wanted to belong, I wanted to be, I wanted what everything I ever saw and heard preached was happiness? I am not guilty of anything, just of being fooled.
Take the story of Christmas itself. As a child, I was told that Santa was coming down the chimney to give me presents for no apparent reason. A child’s mind can suspend the rational. As time goes on, children talk to one another to tell others, “There is no Santa!” You learn there is no Santa, but you don’t tell your parents. The family hovers around a false idea, and unity is maintained. In the end, your parents never really tell you, “Look we are sorry for deceiving you all those years, we did it because that is what we were taught, and there is a higher good.” Isn’t the Christmas story similar to the out late and gay story?
When we were younger, we had a child’s mind. We believed in the perfect American dream story. Somewhere down the road of life, we know, the perfect American dream story isn’t our story. A perfect wife and perfect children and a two car garage isn’t to be our happiness. God, I wanted it to be. I guess somewhere down life’s road it was bound to happen. You meet a man that changes everything. You are mad, you are happy, you are confused, your world changes. If you are married, and you do love your wife, you don’t say anything. My affair was wrong. I wanted to put the genie back into the bottle. Maybe I could say nothing, and keep going on, just like the Christmas story, no one ever says anything, you now know you are gay and you are married but don’t say anything. You know and I know there are guys out there who do just this, they keep going on, married, and knowing they are gay. It can be a real curse.
I couldn’t listen to Christmas songs this year, even though I love them. Every time I heard them, I thought of my ex-wife and my mother. Thank God, Adele 25 came out, even though listening to Adele’s music isn’t much happier! I am feeling the challenge of being 50 alone and gay. Some days I tell myself, “I am not gay! Or maybe I just don’t want to be gay, I want that American dream”. In my case, I was outed against my will to everyone I knew. There is no putting the genie back into the bottle.
Unexpectedly, I am having to work the next few days. I was dreading it, but now I couldn’t be happier. I walked out the door, knowing that the Christmas season is over. It is behind me, and now it’s time to move on. I walked out the door knowing, “I did it, it was a tough year.”
0 Comments A New Day Awakens!11/28/2015
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Hello, it's me! Life is getting better and better!
I never really thought it would be hard to write a blog. What’s it take a couple of meaningful minutes a day? However, the reality of mine and probably all of our lives is that real life happens to us daily. I have to remind myself why I even wanted to write a blog in the first place. No, I am not looking for notoriety or big success, I began this blog only for one reason, and I wanted to truly help the person who is out there like I was, who came into their sexuality late in life.
Believe me, real life is hard enough. Get up, make the coffee, take the dogs for a walk, go to work, work all day, come home, go out to dinner with my friend, and come home and the rest of the day is left for myself. I didn’t even mention paying bills and cleaning the house. To find some time to write a blog, and hopefully to express something meaningful, well it’s proven a little more difficult than I imagined.
The strange thing for me is looking back. Looking back at my previous posts is challenging, painful, and liberating. If any of you had read them, then I apologize now, I could have been on a little bit on my pity pot. I will be honest here, I really struggle even today to think how I got outed and divorced all at the same time, and I am talking about in Texas! And the whole, “Out Thing’, I am really not too sure what it all means even today, but I get glimpses of it every now and then, like going to a family event with a man instead of a woman. Well, it’s been some years now, and it is less of an event as normal, but it still gets some eyes from time to time. Take the occasion when you are out at a restaurant, and someone recognizes me with my family. They come to speak, and they we are all, and when it comes to my lover sitting next to me as oppose to my ex-wife, you can see an uncertainty on a person’s face.
Also, I see some of the bigger challenges of being gay and older. Maybe there is a change going on, but to be older in a gay culture that glamorizes youth and brawn, well, as older people we are even challenged in a culture that should be more accepting. I have joined a group called Prime Time. It was established to deal with just this issue, to assist older men with the loneliness of being an older gay person. What a thoughtful organization, and let faces it, getting older and meeting new and meaningful friendships is difficult for everyone straight or gay. I think it even poses a bigger challenge to the person who was married to the opposite sex. When you join an organization such as this, you really see your life changing, and change is just difficult period. What makes it a little bit easier in Prime Time is it’s amazing how many men you meet who were married and have children. I don’t have children, but what a great way to know that you aren’t as different as you may think.
I am looking to the road ahead here. The photo I posted on this post come from a vantage point on IH-35 outside of Cotulla, Texas. You come to this spot, and it looks out on hundreds of miles before you of the vast South Texas landscape. My father travelled all over the world, and almost every time when I was in the car with him, he said, “I am home, this is my home.” I look at it now, and see a different meaning, I see the road ahead of me has a myriad of possibilities. It’s only up to me to know how I am going to move forth. The road behind while difficult and painful, is just that, it’s behind me. If you are new to being out and gay, I want you to know that it gets better. As time passes for me, I realize that I do not have to be any stereotype or be something that I am not. I just still got to do what I have always strive to be. Be yourself, be true. Be honest. Enjoy the day given to you.
0 Comments Old Man River - He Just Keeps Moving Along7/29/2015
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It’s been a long time since I have written anything. I had to remind myself why I am writing. I am writing for the person who discovers his sexuality late in life. I am writing for the person who was in a heterosexual marriage, and now finds himself uncertain and alone when he realizes he is gay. Again, I believe the media portrays the idea unrealistically. To be in this situation is difficult. It is painful. However, I want you to know that I have been there. I have been through the pain. I want you to know that I got through it. I admit, there were times I wanted to die. The positive side of the ordeal, only through resolving our problems do we grow. We grow spiritually and we mature.
It’s been two years now since my divorce. I can only tell you now, that I can feel like I am looking back, as oppose to still being in the pain. This feeling has been a long time coming. On top of losing my wife, as of April, I now lost my best friend, my mother to a sudden illness. In that same month, I lost my beloved house. I had to sell it; it was too difficult to maintain a dual income lifestyle on a single income. April was a month of lost.
The bright side, well, I luckily found a rent home that would take my dogs and cats. The home is located in the downtown area of San Antonio. Everything happened so fast; I didn’t even know that the biggest City Park in town was so closely located by the home. The park is beautiful. It is filled with lovely majestic oak trees nestled along the San Antonio River. The limestone Spanish architectural buildings that dot the area only add to the magnificent beauty of the place.
Also, in the area is the Pearl Brewery complex that has been converted to a luxury hotel, shops, and restaurants. The complex is causing an inner city growth. Luxury apartment buildings and condominiums are popping up everywhere. Every major museum in the City is within a bike ride from my house, and we are talking Texas here!
On a more personal note, I am preparing to leave on my first vacation with my partner? Boyfriend? Friend? I don’t know. I haven’t figured all that out just yet. We are heading to one of his favorite designations, San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. I am still a little uneasy with going. I know that probably sounds crazy, but it is just the way I feel. I mean all of my vacations have been spent with my former wife.
My friend wanted to stay in a hotel room, a room that he always stayed in with his wife, but I thought the idea sounded bad. So, I got a house. Having the option to have my own bedroom and bathroom sounds too appealing to me.
I guess you can see, that even though I am divorced, and I am in a relationship of some odd sort, I am still taking baby steps in my relationship. I had almost 50 years of living a different life. Learning to be in a complete different world takes time. You will never see an ending like this on TV. The transitional period from a heterosexual world to a gay world is difficult. Some how, I am getting through it!
0 Comments Welcome Back7/29/2015
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0 Comments LOVE IS STRANGE2/20/2015
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I watched the film, Love is Strange, last night. I have to say, that I was not particularly satisfied when I got to the ending. I went to bed, thinking “What a complete waste of time” and “Why did that film get such high marks on Rotten Tomatoes?”
Well, some time has passed, and I am beginning to have a change of attitude. Really, I was corresponding with a friend over the Net today, and I found myself saying to him, what I think that the film did an excellent job doing.
Let me go back a bit and talk about the basic plot concerning the movie. I am not going to give all the details because I do not want to spoil someone’s upcoming viewing. In a nutshell, an older gay couple finally ties the knot. Since the marriage ceremony was very public, one of the guys in the marriage finds himself losing his job. He worked at a Catholic school, and the Catholic hierarchy did not approve of his marriage. He is immediately fired. The couple finds themselves having to move from their NYC apartment. Since money is tight, they have to rely upon friends for living assistance until they can afford to move into another place together. Each of the couple lives with an extended adopted family. Each of the men face their own challenges within the families, but pretty much their challenges are just normal challenges that anyone would face. The film really emphasizes the mundane and the trivialness of daily life. This film moves slowly, and it is not be seen if you are tired.
So, getting back to my communication with my friend. I was telling him that I am struggling. You see, I have encountered some recent situations with people where all the sudden my new sexual identity was being emphasized. It’s not like I am Christian, I am now Gay Christian – now, you gotta find some humor there! I think there is misunderstanding with people as to how my life really is. It’s just like those guys in the movie. It’s mundane and simple. I get up, have a cup of coffee, walk the dogs, go to work, get home watch the news, and go out to dinner with a friend every now and then.
My life is ordinary, and that what the film was saying about the gay married couple. They are just ordinary people who share and want the same things as any other couple. So, why is there this crazy challenge to gay marriage? I can tell you I didn’t do to great of a job with my heterosexual marriage. Well, I was happily married, until the end, and what an ending! But, I don’t think that I am too different than others. It’s not like the heterosexual divorce rate is anything to brag about.
You know Love is Strange. Many people are lonely out there because they are scared, they fear taking a risk, taking a chance. Love is strange in the sense it is a mystery. You never really know when it’s going to come up and hit you. And, often more times than not, it’s never the person you ever imagined. The sad thing is that so many people are afraid to take a risk, and to not take a risk means you are a slave to fear. If you are alone…take a chance, take a risk, the worst to happen is you made a small mistake, and the best thing that could happen is that you find yourself someone to share a life. Go for it – be willing to be foolish!
0 Comments love is strange2/20/2015
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0 Comments OLSEN'S FINALLY OUT: READ BELOW1/23/2015
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0 Comments olsen's finally out: mid-life coming out1/23/2015
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An interesting point in Loren Olsen's book, Finally Out, is a passage that he discusses concerning the deflocked evangelical preacher, Ted Haggard. I respected Olsen's compassion for this man. I watched the documentary on Haggard and as a compassionate person, I felt immense sorrow for him. I believe that some in the gay community have been particularly harsh to him.
At the heart of Ted Haggard's dilemma is that he refuses to acknowledge that there is a part of himself that enjoys homosexual sex coupled with some crystal meth, but that is another subject all together. Here is a man that not only has feelings and sexual urgings that go against his religious practice, but also his religious preaching to others . Yes, to be sure Haggard is a hypocrite, but to hold him up as the only one, as an example, is cruel. If you are reading this passage right now, you can probably think of ordinary Joes who are just as guilty as Haggard, but they live in the shadows.
Coming into your sexuality is an easier journey for some than others. For others not to acknowledge the fact shows a niavete on their part. For some one who grows up in a large metropolitan city, coming out might be easier than say, some one who grows up on the Texas-Mexican border like I did or the Bible belt of the South. I don't know that many gay people, hardly anyone at all, but from what I read, even if you are able to recognize that you are gay at a young age, the coming out process is still difficult.
As in the case with Haggard, he is so far away from identifying who he really is. I don't know the man, so it is not entirely fair for me pass a judgement, but let's makes some safe guesses. Haggard had a choice to whom he was going to have sex with. He was paying for it. When it came time to commit the deed, he chose a muscular gay man. A muscular gay man that turned out to be a slime ball. I mean if you are going to be a whore who fetches drugs, and you go about exposing your client as if you are on a moral high ground, well, there are more than one hypocrites in this story.
So, Haggard has drug induced gay sex. I wonder if Haggard blamed the drug and not himself? Surely, there are many men out there who have had gay sex while being drunk and blamed the experience on being drunk, not on the idea that I like gay sex. Is there really a difference here?
Olsen writes "In the documentary movie, The Trials of Ted Haggard, Haggard appears to be a man struggling to be honest with himself, the world, and his God. Asked whether he could define his sexual identity, Haggard said, "I just thought a spiritual solution would be the solution to everything that's internal. That turned out not to be the case." When he said the familiar gay mantra, "I am what I am," he followed it with, "I was born an evangelical," Shame is the public exposure of private guilt, and recently Haggard has claimed that his homosexual escapades were because as a child he was sexually abused by an adult male. According to his wife, Gayle, through his therapy, he no longer has "those compulsions."
The conflict for men and women who come out in midlife is no more or less difficult than it is for young people, but in some ways, because they have been passing as heterosexual in a heterosexual world, it is more complicated, and reconciliation of their contradictory values has been put on hold. The conflict whether or not to change - most know they cannot. The conflict is about losing a wife and kids, a job, family, and friends, and in some cases, religious faith. Although many of the risks of a vaguely perceived future are more imagined than real, coming out in midlife can lead to an almost total loss of the family and religious community support that was previously enjoyed.
I feel some empathy and compassion for Haggard, and the judgement and intolerance he has received from both his church and the LBGT community are disturbing. The power of his story should not come from watching a dogmatic hypocrite fall! It could easily be lost in the ideological gridlock between religious conservatives and liberal supporters of gay rights. Such contradictions are echoed over and over in the lives of millions of men who struggle to beat back their natural homosexual urges. When they fail to do so, they lose their families and friends, only to find themselves rejected by the gay community, the very ones who should welcome and embrace them."
Ted Haggard is guilty of being a hypocrite, yes. But, somewhere you have to feel a pain for him for not acknowledging the obvious. I am Ted Haggard. No, I didn't preach against homosexuality, but I am guilty for not accepting who I am. I had 10 years of therapy and prescription drugs to figure things out. What the therapy and the drugs couldn't do....another man did do. He made me accept that I am gay. Even now, it's hard to write it...but coming to accept it, well, at least I can move forward.
0 Comments THE OTHER SIDE OF DIVORCE AND OUTED AS GAY11/18/2014
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Author:
Christian Cantu
San Antonio,
Texas
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