Happy New Year! I cannot really say that I am a person who puts a whole lot of importance to a marker, a new year, however, this year seems to be a little different. I was walking my dogs in Brackenridge Park this afternoon, since I normally walk my dogs in the early morning, there was a dramatic and stark difference to the scenery in the park in the late afternoon. The lowering western sun reflected off the dull barren winter trees, and their slender crooked bodies stretched upwards towards the sky. The change was dramatic from their early morning solitude, and glancing upon these new vistas within a familiar setting got me thinking.
I began to think that this newness within the familiar was like my current life. I probably have been guilty as most in being caught up in a routinized life, routinized thinking. I made my cries and moans along my path from a heterosexual life for lack of a better description, to a gay life? A gay life, what does that mean? I write these words, and I think, in so many ways my life, the person who I have always been, is still very much a part of me. I really don’t feel very different, but that is only partially true. There is a lot that is different. This Christmas season has past. Unlike my previous heterosexual life, I did do many different things that were completely different from my past life. One evening I attended an older gay man’s group at a Christmas party, I had a dinner for four and shared the evening with a gay couple, I went to a few Christmas parties with Dr. Ashden, and I was unconsciously unaware that we were seen as a couple, I mean a gay couple. Well, all these events were something totally unlike I experienced as a heterosexual male husband. It’s this couple thing that has me bothered. I do not live with Dr. Ashden, so the ideal that we are a couple or partnered seems so strange to me. I say that, but then I think about a Facebook post of a friend. In a photo with my siblings, Dr. Ashden was with me. Since it was a friend’s Facebook post, a friend of the friend who post it was, asked, “Who were these people?” Everything she posted was pretty straight forward, however, when it came to Dr. Ashden and me, she explained Dr. Ashden as my “partner.” She met nothing by it, yet I was bothered. I spoke with my sister and told her, “This seems like an untrue description.” My sister said, “Well he is your partner!” Without a doubt, everyone in the photo and at the party would probably agree Dr. Ashden is my partner. Funny, I just really didn’t see it that way. Maybe I don’t see it that way because I have begun to hang around more gay men, these men were living together, and my idea of partnership is different. In the older gay man’s organization, many of these men were married before and had children. Now, these men live together as a couple, I would say, as partners. However, this is not my relationship with Dr. Ashden, and to be completely truthful, I doubt this type of relationship will ever occur between us. I am not even too sure, that I would want that type of relationship. I would be dishonest to say, that I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a man live in my house. To be sure, there are times, when I don’t want to be alone, but I guess I have come more accustomed to living alone. No, there is nothing crazy going on here at my house other than taking care of three cats and two dogs. When my ex-wife walked out, she just walked out, leaving all us behind. Well, I do believe that life is better shared. And, the only times I am truly bothered by the loneliness of living alone is when Dr. Ashden and I come home from a trip. Usually when we travel, we rent a home and I have my own bedroom and bathroom. Yet, it is during these vacations that we really seem more like a couple. Daily a huge magnitude of San Antonio restaurants consists of Dr. Ashden and my living rooms since we eat lunch and dinner out almost every meal. And, we do live very close to one another, but to live with him? So, let me go back to the beginning thinking about the park, and its complete newness by the changing sunlight. I wonder if maybe I am wanting more and more something different in the very familiar? I don’t want to be alone, but it seems to be the most natural form of existence to me. To actually share a home with someone again, well, conceptually it sounds appealing, but in actuality I am not so sure? I just don’t know how all that works. I would love to hear a comment or two from anyone who reads this blog. Again, I am just here learning a new way of life, and I try to share what I can to help others. Other men and women who come into their sexuality late in life. On a lighter note, Happy New Year’s! I ask you who are struggling “If not now, then when?” Create a great new year ahead!
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Christian Cantu
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