January 29, 2017 I been having an introspective weekend. I have been thinking about this blog, and some times I wonder if I have it all wrong. I been doing a lot of reading of books about men who have Come Out Late in life. I know now, that Coming Out Late is a relative situation. Maybe what Coming Out Late really means is that you didn’t adopt or recognize your sexuality when you were in your teenager years. I am not really sure I buy that concept, maybe it’s the concept that Hollywood peddles. I believe we all come into ourselves and the meaning of our existence at different times in our lives. I must be honest here, when it comes to writing this blog, when I read other’s experiences, I feel as if maybe I have less than encouraging. I don’t mean to be. Many of my readings all allude to the idea that you need “Authenticity.” I am not doubting that idea, I just sometimes don’t really know what it truly means? Being “Authentic” isn’t a gay only thing. Being true to yourself is an everybody thing. I have always thought that most of our lives are very similar. Most people work throughout the week in cities and in the small little towns across our nation. We clean house, pay bills, go the grocery store, maybe try to get a little exercise done. When is the authenticity to show itself? When I started all of this writing and reading about the Coming Out Late process, I was looking for answers. A big question was, “How could I have gone so long without really knowing I am gay?” I cannot but help but think there are different degrees of gayness. No, I will not place a rank on the different levels, because one level isn’t any better or worse than another. I just don’t think there is one type of way to being gay. We are complex individuals, the outer influences on our lives affect us all differently, and in different ways. If I had to be really honest in terms of authenticity, my moment came when my wife found an email that I wrote to Dr. Ashden. It was just about four years ago, she asked me, “Are you in love with this person?” Believe me, I wanted to say “No” it is all but a stupid mistake, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be in love with a man. I did not want my world to change. I thought that this feeling for Dr. Ashden would subside. I guess that was my true “Authentic Moment”, finally acknowledging the truth, however uncomfortable as it was. When I moved to San Antonio many years ago, I joined the Unitarian Universalism church, they had a Joseph Campbell Group. I have read his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces and The Power of Myth and I was immediately hooked. I was also a member of the Noetic Sciences, and his writings were frequently published within the journal. When all of this happened to me, I couldn’t help but think of one of my favorite quotes of his, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” I never thought those words would come to apply to me, but they did. I wish I was a writer or blogger or whatever, to be a person who encourages you to go get your happy gay life, that once you get your happy gay life, you are going to be finally authentic. Your life is going to be great. I read these things happening to others. I really want to be that person, but I find myself writing from a position that I am just an ordinary guy, living a rather ordinary life. I have come a long way in four years. If there is a takeaway from this blog, it’s that to be the person you truly are is a process for most of us. A process that takes time. I believe that the term “Authenticity” has a meaning similar to “Enlightenment.” Through my experience, yes, I had a moment, but much of my life has remained the same. Work, housekeeping, taking care of the animals, etc. It’s fair to say, the idea of now I am authentic doesn’t really occur to me when I am shoveling up dog crap out of the backyard. I do realize things have changed. I realize now that why some family and friends are gone from my life, I have the ability to meet new people. No, they don’t have to be gay people or straight people, just people. I have joined organizations to meet new people. I am leaving the house much more, and more and more I am shutting the door to an unpleasant past. My experience was a struggle. How could it not be, I was married 24 years. I lost something and someone very dear to me. I found myself in a place I thought I would never be. It’s hard to Come Out, but there is an added dimension of difficulty when you been married to the opposite sex. So, if I am being authentic, well it doesn’t really occur to me. I don’t feel enlighten by any stretch of the imagination. I work at trying to be enlighten, but I continue to have more questions than answers. I am still searching. I will leave you with this, as time has gone by, I find myself more and more grateful for the people in my life. For the people who stayed by me in my darkest moments, and that includes my ex-wife. She has been there for me. Dr. Ashden has been there for me. If you are going through this process, I hope you to have people that are there for you, and more importantly however you are feeling, that you acknowledge the people who are there for you. Being grateful is a gift you give others and yourself. January 22nd, 2017 Sometimes I catch myself reflecting upon the idea of “Where am I now?” I especially find myself asking this question when I take a moment to read my past journaling. I really never journaled before until I got divorced and outed all at the same time. I guess, I saw a need to tell someone what I was feeling, even if that someone was myself. Gosh, I look back at the beginning of this entire situation, and I see I have come along way. At my lowest point, I remember laying on the hardwood floor of the home I use to share with my ex-wife, and I was unable to move, I laid on the floor for two hours just feeling crippled. It was a dark moment. The good thing about reflecting, even on dark moments in the past, I see that I survived. I am not going to lie, there were times that I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore. My family said that everything was alright, but their actions spoke more than words. My friends quit calling or they quit answering my calls. What kept me going? Well, I had to keep care of the three cats and two dogs that my ex-wife and I accumulated over the years of our marriage. I thought to myself, “They are the innocent ones, if anything I will live for them.” My obligation to them, kept me alive and going. Well, all of that was about four years ago, I must admit, I let myself suffer more than I should. I had a lot of guilt and shame, and maybe not without good reason. I am not afraid to own up to my mistakes. I am a very spiritual type person, and I hold on to a very liberal idea of Christ. A reading that I read once reminded me that “God’s forgiveness and love is much bigger and stronger than my sins.” I asked for forgiveness, and I truly met it, so now it’s time to move on. I did move on, and to see where I moved on I read in Bret K. Johnson’s book, Coming Out Every Day about the six stages of the Coming Out process per Vivienne Cass:
In my case, I didn’t Come Out, I was Thrown Out. I have to give some credit here and deep respect to Dr. Ashden. He didn’t run, in fact he gave a much-needed helping hand when there were no other hands to help me. By staying with me, he in effect Outed Himself. I was and am lucky, even though I take it for granted some times. There are times when I find and feel like I am at Stage 6. However, I get jolted back to a different stage, when I see that people begin to look at Dr. Ashden and I differently, and when they realize we are partners. This feeling usually just last for a few seconds. I been with Dr. Ashden for four years now. Probably, a lot of the romance of our relationship is gone, but not the love. According to M. Scott Peck, “Romantic love isn’t love.” He stated that only when romantic love ends, can real love begin. Peck defined love as “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another spiritual growth.” He wrote a whole book on this concept, The Road Less Traveled. I confess, in my mind all of this is related. You see, when I realized that Dr. Ashden and I were not one, and as time passed on we really were separate individuals…well, my outlook changed. An example of this situation would be when Dr. Ashden was going to quit going to church, he had lost his faith. Through the years together I knew how important his faith was to him, so I quit going to my own church, and I attended church with him. By doing this simple act I realized that love is more about what type of sex you’re having, what love is, is getting out of yourself to help another. When I was in the deep darkness of self, I couldn’t help myself much less help another. I grew, and I am still growing even at 52. Where am I now? I guess you could say that I am stronger than I ever been. The years filled with confusion, hurt, and anger made me a better person, not less of a person. They made me more empathetic, more sympathetic. By surviving my difficult situation, I became stronger. Who do I need to be? Just myself, a person dedicated
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