My blog posts seem to occur less often. I wonder about why that is so, because when I started this blog it was such a big deal to me at the time. I was searching, searching for answers to questions about me. I remember that at the time it felt like I was the only guy who had been older and married and then suddenly finding himself in a place where he never thought he would be. It most definitely felt like I made my deep journey into the noir.
The important part about events and time is that there is a milestone where we can go back and evaluate where we are now. I had a reminder of the beginning from a conversation I had with a man this week. He was middle-aged, rugged and very fit, a cowboy type guy. He lived in a nice area of town, married for over thirty years, and he had two adult children. By all accounts he appeared to live the good life. What people who looked at him did not know was he liked to have sex with men. Here a good-looking, in shape, rugged, executive-type man had everything that our culture teaches us to want and have, he had everything except the one thing that he really wanted. He wanted a man. In our conversation he told me about what he wanted from an encounter. He told me about having a past friend that he met up with from time to time. His friend moved away, and he seemed understandably upset. In our conversation he told me that he really enjoyed the masculinity of sex with a man. He told me about much more than I really cared to know, but he said he really enjoyed being a “bottom.” A bottom is a man who enjoy anal penetration from another man. It’s a role. Sex is an act. Looking at this guy I thought to myself I would have never believed it, but I guess that is one of the funny things about sex, it’s rarely spoken about amongst people. He would go on to tell me about how he likes to cuddle with a man after sex. He enjoys kissing a lot. He enjoys holding a man in bed. Now, here is where this story takes a turn. I told him about my experience. I told him, “I understand what you are saying.” When I told him about meeting Dr. Ashenden and about coming to the realization I was gay, he suddenly looked at me. He looked at me and said, “I am not gay.” Yeah, really, that is what he said. Here is a man describing having sex with a man in a way I never have had in a conversation with another man, and he doesn’t think he is gay. To him, he likes to think he just has sex with a man, yet, he told me about a past lover, a lover he had for years while being married. I guess I get this guy in some way. He cannot admit to himself he is gay, or he will not allow himself to be gay. To be gay would be a lesser to him. He had everything he thought he was to suppose to have, yet he didn’t have the one thing he really needed. He didn’t have the intimacy of a relationship with a man. When I told him about how I was like him, and after meeting Dr. Ashenden my whole life changed, he was terrified. He looked at me as a lesser. When I told him that your sex outside of marriage could lead to something you never expected, he was dumbfounded. I never heard from him again. I am sure I told him things that he probably hasn’t heard. He heard things that he did not want to hear and accept. May be telling him my story he felt sorry for me, but I actually feel sorry for him, not really sorry, but more empathetic. I know what he is feeling. Bottled up somewhere deep inside him he knows he gay. Who really wants to let go of everything that they built for themselves in middle age? Unfortunately, letting go is the one thing this guy needed the most. I write about this encounter because it takes me back to the beginning of my experience when starting this blog. I let go. I couldn’t conceal it any longer. Depression, heavy drinking, and anxiety were symptoms of my denial that I was, I am gay, that is how this blog started. Admitting I am gay and where my journey went after that fact is all chronicled here in this blog.
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Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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