So much of my life just consists of daily activity that we all probably do. Things like house chores, taking care of pets, work, gassing up cars, and the list goes on and on. It’s only when something out to the ordinary occurs that you find yourself placed in a different perspective of how things really aren’t the same. A change has occurred.
My recent change occurred yesterday. My sister had a baby party at her house for her daughter. We are all looking forward to the first grandchild amongst our siblings. It is a moment of great joy. The party was also yet another event where I had to orchestrate my presence with Dr. Ashden, my ex-wife, and being in the presence of many others. This party was a couples’ baby shower. My first hurdle was dealing with my ex-wife. She RSVP that she was taking her father. Dr. Ashden at first decided he would not attend. The party itself would be at my sister’s house, so it was probably a more intimate setting than most occasions. Dr. Ashden decided to go at the last moment, and my ex-father-in-law decided not to go at the last moment. The party itself was fine. My sister’s home is large and people were scattered in different areas of throughout the home and patios. Actually, nothing really earth-shattering occurred, but there was something different inside of me. I felt as if I did not really belong with this group. I don’t know could it be that I have become self-conscious about being homosexual within a heterosexual group? There were other homosexuals within the group of 80 people. One, a couple of men, who have been lifelong friends of my sisters. Another was a celebrated hair-stylist. The hair-stylist who is about my age was showing photos of his half nude trainer to the group. I don’t know I guess I found it inappropriate. I could be wrong here. At the party I began to wonder if I have become self-loathing? I don’t believe so, I believe it is something that was much more different than that. Have you ever found yourself just thinking I really don’t belong to any group? I don’t really seem to “fit” anywhere. I have joined several gay men’s organizations but I don’t seem to quite fit there either, and now, in a group of heterosexuals, I guess I couldn’t help but stand out. Compared to the other guys, I was overdressed, most had on shorts and a shirt, and here I was wearing a checkered long sleeved Ralph Lauren shirt with a blue Michael Kors blazer. The blazer made me stand out, I probably should have taken it off. There was also the idea that with so many women there, there was my ex-wife alone, and I show up with my gay partner. It really has only been a problem once before and that was at my mother’s funeral. I was so distressed at the time, I hardly had a chance to think of the situation. My wife lives with my sister-in-law’s sister, and all of that family was attending the party. I guess it has been so many years now, and I still find myself not entirely able to escape all of these family entanglements. I see that I am becoming more and more withdrawn from almost everyone. I have been thinking for the first time in a long time of just moving, moving away to find some peacefulness. I found an old photo, a photo that reminded me of peace. In it I am sitting with a book on the arroyo in the Texas Valley area very close to South Padre Island. The breeze comes from the Southeast. It’s twilight and everything becomes still. The water that was fairly choppy just hours before, became calm. It was here that I thought of the adage, “To thy own self be true.” Why the saying contains deep depth and wisdom, I never realized just how hard it is to achieve. Dr. Ashden called tonight, and asked “What is wrong?” I just don’t have a proper answer.
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Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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