Another sleepless night occurs. I am thinking at least it’s Friday. I will get through this day begrudgingly. I got a list of chores to do, as well as, a job to do. It’s 5 o’clock but that’s AM not PM. I haven’t written anything lately. The holidays came and went. January was a month for new resolutions, that didn’t occur. February began with sickness, first with myself, then with my sister, who is a dear friend to me. Now, the first week of sleepless nights.
Something feels different. I am not complaining about the sleeplessness because there seems to be this burst of energy occurring within me. Something is different, I am different. I have been looking back in the past. There were times where I beat myself up for allowing myself to meet a man. I had an organized rigid routinized life with my wife. We rarely argued. Things got done. I look back now, and I see that I didn’t even realize my unhappiness. Well, I did, but a doctor prescribed an anti-depressant. Pop a pill, and you will be fine, but I wasn’t fine. There were times in the past where I would say to myself, “If you didn’t go to the museum that day, none of this trouble would have occurred, but it did. I met someone, no, I met the one. Two people attending a lecture, then meeting by all cliché things, a statue of Aphrodite. Little did we know that two people, no, two men, with 74 years of heterosexual marriages between them, would fall in love. An affair began over time, not immediately, but it began. I was the reluctant one. I did not want to drop my guard down, but I did. An affair is wrong by all accounts, but what happens when you fall in love? I tell you it’s not rational. I can tell you, I guess if you read any of my previous posts, a lot of hurt was created. I suffered an enormous amount of burning, deservingly so in most cases, but not all. My luck of luck, the man I fell in love with, just happened to be intertwined within my family’s past, and my family’s past is deeply intertwined with his family’s past. I can tell you, when his kids realized that dad was having a homosexual relationship with a guy his kid’s ages, well, it didn’t go well, but at the same time they still have never directly confronted him, even until this day. His story wasn’t my story. I was outed, forced outed, and divorced all at once. This situation probably scares the hell out of many men, but now, looking back it was a blessing. I will turn 52 next month, and I have come to realize that the most important commodity that I have, is time. I have seen a little more of gay life. There isn’t any single one way to be gay. Gay is just a term. How could one term describe the total complexity of being human? Some people are short, some are tall, some dark skinned, some light skin, some fat, some skinny, oh and the list goes on and on. I guess when you stand up to your fear, you begin to conquer it. Three years have gone by, and I am conquering it. My ex-wife is still having her beautiful life, designing buildings, riding horses, and enjoying a new boyfriend. And me? Well, I always believed that men couldn’t fall in love with one another, and I see how wrong I was. Three years, and I am still with my love. It is a little unconventional. We live in separate houses, somehow I am good with this situation, and I realized I couldn’t have done anything differently. Everything that has occurred, was supposed to occur. Good luck, bad luck? Who knows? A new day is occurring and I get to be me, I am not wearing any mask. I walk out the door with a strong sense of pride.
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Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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