The First Post of 2018? Really?
I told myself that I am not going to start another blog post stating, “I know it has been a long time since I have posted.” So, now that I got that out of the way, I am ready to try to write a blog post. Well, the beginning of the new year got off to a real rocky start. On New Year’s Eve I came down with the flu. Ok, so, I thought the flu lasted like a week, not two weeks. Man, I was sicker than a dog, and there were a couple of days that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it, I found myself thinking “I don’t even have a will written.” Then came the second week where I coughed my life out of me every day. Who knew the cure would come from a six-ounce bottle of prescribed cough syrup for $240? I was going to let this blog go…I had to pay $100 to Weebly to host it for another year, and I found myself thinking, why? I don’t know, when I started this, I really didn’t have any idea that there would be an ending. I feel as if my life is just that, a life, no different, no better, no less, than anyone else’s life. The Coming Out process seemed like such a big deal, and to be honest, I think that I made it a bigger deal than I should have. I say something like that, but at the same time, there are still little moments where it creeps back into my consciousness. I was attending church last weekend, and the Episcopal priest was giving a sermon, and within that sermon she was talking about the film, The Last Temptation of Christ. She said something to the effect that in the movie Christ was tempted to stay within the life he was living, a normal life, instead of acknowledging that he was the Messiah. She talked about the fact that he left a life, a normal life, he had to give up that life to fulfill his destiny. And, I found myself thinking that there really aren’t that many people who give up everything that they know to go to a place filled with such uncertainty, and to be honest, a place where some people, not all, hate you for your choice, a choice you didn’t really, really, want to go to., but you had to. It is still difficult at times, I maintain a good friendship with my ex-wife. I still do love her, and I suspect I always will. There are times when I tell myself, this is all wrong, but deep down in my soul, I hit a connection where I have to be honest, even if it’s an honesty I don’t want to listen to, and think to myself, that probably this is the right thing. It is not the easy thing, especially, when you come out late. I had 48 years of hard wiring within me, and to think that the life that I led and the person that I was all vanished in an instance is foolish of me. Well, I kept the blog up…as always, I write with the idea that maybe I might just help one person who is or was just like me. I have read extensively a lot of books lately, so much that the stories all seem so too predictable. But, with these books are people who know that it takes courage to change everything about yourself. I don’t think I give myself the credit that I should. I made a declaration that the Coming Out process does have an ending, but the Growing Up Life process seems to never go away. To be honest, we all have our life challenges, and if you hadn’t had one, well, you never know what’s around the corner. I want to end this blog post with an exert from Steve Leder’s book, More Beautiful Than Before: “Yitzhak Perlman was at Carnegie Hall. Just as his bow touched the strings, one of them broke. He continued his performance, he completely changed his fingerings without missing a beat. When it was over the crowd cheered. He answered the crowd about the dilemma by saying: “It is my job to make music with what remains.” “I know that you are suffering – because you are human. We all hurt. We wound and are wounded. We all walk through some kind of hell. Do not come out of hell empty-handed. Do not let your suffering be in vain. Survive, heal, and grow when your heart and body aches. What was beautiful when whole is beautiful when broken too.The soaring bird amazes, but the wounded sparrow evokes an intimate, deeper, more resonant tone within our souls. Make music with what remains of your suffering. Dance and sing to a melody gentler, wiser, and more beautiful than before.” (I am now on Instagram at Outlate_gay)
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Christian Cantu
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