I haven’t been doing my blog for some time. I think about it, and I remember that I originally started this blog for others, for others who may be like me. I been doing this blog for some time, I am not too sure how many years. Funny, when you do a blog, you seem to measure time more with a conscious mind. Unfortunately for me, I see how I drop the ball on what I wanted to do, and what I actually do.
This Christmas time has been more joyful, more serene. I am actually going through it being sober. I am telling myself that I am participating in an experiment. I have had the urge to drink every now and then. However, when I wake up in the morning after attending a party the night before, I feel so good, to feel good. I keep that feeling in my mind. When you wake up full of energy and with the feeling you are going to get things done today, well I remind myself that I am only at this point because I didn’t drink last night. Going back in time, when everything was happening to me, I can honestly say, “I drank to forget. I drank to ease the pain.” A breakup is extraordinarily difficult, especially when you are the cause. Looking back, I think who was that guy? There was a man, who was very troubled. You see the thing about alcohol is that it does take the pain away, but only temporarily. The real problems are still there, and they don’t go away. I read so many books recently, I don’t know where to attribute this idea, but the idea concerns learning to let go and learning to forgive. The extraordinary thing about this is, yes, we need to ask forgiveness from others we have hurt, when we are strong and ready. What I never thought about though, was I needed to forgive myself. You see no matter who you are, learning to forgive is probably one of the greatest achievements on the road to happiness. Once you let go of the past, you let go of the pain, only then do you find yourself in a place to move forward. Sometimes when I am watching old movies, I see that I did have attraction for the male lead. Honestly, I really didn’t know it until I let go of the person I use to be, that person buried things deep within his unconscious mind, and he packed the ground there, so to make sure it would never come to the surface. To be honest, in my case I should say that “I poured and soaked the truth so as to never rise to the top.” I don’t know how to tell you how alcohol and the idea I may be gay were so linked. I guess it was always there. No, I wasn’t the hobo drunk, but I did use alcohol in many ways to change the way I felt, to fit in with others, to take away the pain. I did it so much, that it became a cycle. It worked for a while, until it didn’t work. Physically, I was overweight, the last job I had, I wasn’t mentally there. I wasn’t a good friend to others. I hang on to the idea, that really, everything that has occurred to me, has happened for a reason. I believe M. Scott Peck said, “everything that has happened to us, has occurred to enhance our spiritual growth.” I am not too sure I really truly understood that idea until now. It is a feeling that everything just seems to line up. By giving up, I received an inner peace. If you find yourself in spiritual trouble, maybe you should just think about stopping. Stopping for a minute, a day, a month, a year, to figure out what is really holding you back. I couldn’t be more honest, alcohol held me back. I was in a cycle without knowing I was in a cycle. I feel good. I feel healthy. I feel better. Giving up alcohol wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, because I feel that it played a dirty trick on me. Yes, it took the pain away, but usually I would find I had that pain on top of a hangover the next day. Funny, we are all told, “Just be yourself.” In actuality I have found that being myself has been one of the hardest things I had to do in life. It has taken so much time, but in the end, I am a much stronger and better person.
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Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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