Guess, I took a Spring Break week last week? I want to continue with my story, especially since I have come to the moment when a 47-year-old married man must tell his mother, “I am gay.” I will tell that story soon. Today, I am just doing some heavy reflecting. I feel compelled to write down some quick notes.
Within the past ten days my phone has been ringing a lot. I have had some old friends call me, and they have wanted to catch up on things. I find it funny, and of course I am glad that they called me. I think I have mentioned before that most of my friends sided with my ex-wife after our divorce, and I really wouldn’t have expected them to have done otherwise. I am thinking as in all things, time changes everything. I must admit that I have walked a long path. It’s only now that I have the ability to live alone in comfort and in my solitude. I hated being alone for such a long time. My evenings use to be filled with two or three glasses of wine and the television. I don’t know why, but I have quit drinking. Maybe it was the attempt of putting on an old bathing suit and I found the whole experience discouraging. Let’s just say my new bathing suit is going to have to be a little bit more flexible around the waistline. Two or three glasses of wine a day have had their effect. I see that I really miss my little wine friend. My paradigm shift occurred when I was helping a friend last week endure her husband’s alcoholism. He had ended up in the hospital. I was shocked to find out how terrible delirium tremens really were. I felt sorry for everyone involved. Of course, it is hard not to internalize the whole matter. It made me step back and look at my own drinking. Well, just looking back on my past, I could easily express the idea that I probably shouldn’t drink again. However, let me be clear here, I am only on day six, but I have determination and high resolve! Some times I have found myself feeling as if I am in a bad comedy these last six days without alcohol. I never realized how much alcohol entered into my daily life. I go out to dinner almost every night. Dr. Ashden and I met up with a couple of friends this weekend. So, there I was, sitting at the dinner table, and the waitress comes along and asked for dinner drinks. Everyone at the table ordered a glass of wine, while I ordered a soft drink. When I said, “I would like a Coke.”, suddenly the whole table turned around and looked at me. I never realized that this simple little soft drink order would generate so much conversation. During the past six days it seems as if when I turn on the television every other commercial is a beer or liquor commercial. I guess the real difference here is seeing the reality of drinking. When you spend time in a hospital waiting room with a mother and her children while their dad is in the ICU with delirium tremors, well it’s very heavy on your heart for everyone involved. I am no Puritan, and I could care less if anyone drinks in front of me, or if my ordering of a non-alcoholic drink might make someone uncomfortable. At 53, I just see that the dreams that I have had in life are becoming less attainable as time passes by. I also see, my whole idea of Coming Out was misconstrued. Coming Out, Coming Out Late, is not an event, it’s process. Discovering I am gay, and I am in a gay relationship maybe a bit unusual relationship, but a relationship none the less wasn’t something I ever imagined would happen to me in life. To quit drinking alcohol is another concept in my life that I never really thought would happen. The real question here is, “Is the quitting of alcohol and Coming Out Process related to one another in my life?” I am going to have to admit, I believe they are. Four years have passed, and I believe that I have emotionally and mentally grown up from the destruction of my life. I don’t have to pretend to be anyone, I can be the person I choose to be. Having to get rid of 24 years of collected possessions from a marriage made me realize that I really don’t need too much in life to get by, all that stuff didn’t bring me lasting happiness. I guess at 53, I realize that the best things in life, aren’t things. I look at my present life as a wonderful growth opportunity, and that feels good!
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Christian Cantu
Coming Out Late Archives
December 2019
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